Strut That Ass!

VA in a Nutshell...

...cuz it's full of nuts. 

So, i'm driving up a country road with my momma one day, on our way back from the proverbial "town," and we pass a house where lives the not-so-neat-and-tidy children of the long gone owner who kept it immaculate and lovely.  Mom looks disapprovingly at the property, purses her lips and says,

"If Joe could come back and see what they've done to his place, he'd RE-DIE!"

(Joe is not his real name, btw.)

So, i start HOWLING laughing.  Re-die!  Oh my gawd.  Hysterical!

And now that i'm in the midst of one of the shittiest days of my entire life (don't ask, but you can guess who's the source of the shit-storm), i imagine my mom saying that and it perks me up from the little hell in which i'm currently dwelling. 

Thanks, Mom!

That's all for now.  More on Virginia later.  I've got hundreds of photos to edit for anxious customers.  On! On!

Ode to a Martini Drinker

{ a Fb friend posted this in one of our mutual groups yesterday; too funny...had to share.  I don't know who the original author is. }



Sold Cober

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the deuce you are I think?

I'm not under what they call,
The affluence of incohol.

I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheet.

Tee martoonis make a guy
Feel so dizzy, don't know why...

So pass the mixer and kill my fup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up!

Nature Moment { can't stop ROFL'ing }

If You Haven't Seen This, Please Do

...it's a eulogy recorded by a woman named Carla for her own funeral.  It's fucking fantastic.

A Christmas Miracle

Kayso, my weight fluctuates like the tide.  In, out, up, down...bigger pants, smaller pants, bigger bra, smaller bra.  And it's never the same twice.  One gained pound could go to the boobs one week, then be lost, only to show up later in my cheeks and neck or, more often, around the middle. 

This week, however, the excess weight i've gained from enjoying homemade eggnog (Southern Comfort style), chocolate in excess, and lots of In N Out Burger (hey, my kid was in the hospital for 13 days.  What.) has miraculously gone to my ass!  My pancake ass is sporting a little whipped cream for the first time in it's LIFE!  And i like it!  I'm filling out the back of my jeans!  I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts, because i know from years of experience that it's going to morph it's way up to my gut again by midnight. 

Three cheers for my plump Christmas-Miracle Ass. 

HA!

I Can't Tell You This Story { It's Funny/Mildly Embarrassing }

But i will anyway.  TMI alert!

So, Todd got snipped about a month ago.  We came home from the procedure with lots of paperwork, including instructions on having "emissions" tested to make sure we had attained a state of non-baby-makingness.  The paper said to bring a "sample" to the doctor's office after 20 "emissions" for lab testing.  If that sample came back clear, then 2 weeks later we would submit another, and if that also came back clear, we would be considered ready to roll!

Well, 20 times?!  We wanted to get our all-clear as quickly as possible, so we worked our butts off to make it to 20.  (Not that i'm complaining; hard work is good for ya! ;o)  And so, Friday we took our sample in to the doctor's office and told the receptionist we had a sample to drop off.  She and the nurse who was standing beside her looked at us all confusey-like. 

I raised my eyebrows hopefully. 

The receptionist tapped away on the computer and said, "Ooooh.  You don't bring that in until after your follow-up appointment (which is next week).  The doctor will give you a container...." 

Embarrassment aside and sheepishly grinning, i plead, "But we worked so hard!" which made the nurse giggle.

I looked at Todd, hoping he'd think of something to say to make them just kindly take our sample anyway.  He had nothing.  He made a funny comment and we left the building, sample in tow.

I don't even want to contemplate the conversation that followed between the nurse and the receptionist.

Haiku for Menopause

I wake up soaking
Like i just climbed from a pool
Eff off, menopause

When You Get Peed On....

This morning, the fam went to a meeting in Gilbert and hung out with some wonderful friends. Bryce drank a glass of water and then an Italian soda. In other words, the 4-year-old had a VERY full bladder by the time we left. Todd took Boogs to the bathroom before we left, so i thought he'd make it home (about a half-hour drive). Alas, it wasn't meant to be. Less than 10 minutes down the freeway, Bryce is doing the pee dance in his car seat.

Todd pulled into In N Out (the drive-through) and I climbed into the back of the 'burban and opened an old cup of water for Boogs to pee into. Why i didn't throw the remaining water out the window before letting him unload his bladder into the cup, i will never know. So, B-man starts whizzing into the cup of water and it's getting nearer and nearer the top. I'm holding the cup in front of him, he's standing in the aisle between the middle captain seats. As the pee is juuuuuust about to overflow from the cup, i say, "Stop! Stop peeing!" and all i can do is start laughing, because he's reeeeally peeing and can't stop so i know we're about to have a yellow Niagara Falls flowing onto the floor of our car. But nooooo...even better, instead of continuing to pee into the overflowing cup, Boogs just starts spraying me. He's really hosing me down. All i can do is laugh so hard i'm shaking. My jean shorts, my Hello Kitty t-shirt, my legs...all dripping with urine.

When he finally finishes, Boogs steps back, pulls up his shorts, gets a side-ways face and says, "Sorry Mommy." And all i can do is continue to laugh. At that point, we're at the window to take our food and the kid is asking Todd if he wants ketchup. I'm yelling "Napkins! Napkins!" and i'm still laughing hysterically.

Todd hands me a wad of napkins and i soak up the pee on my legs, then my shirt and shorts. I ride home wet with pee, still laughing.

These are the moments in life, the ones worth writing down and remembering...those wacky, silly things that happen randomly and unexpectedly and put a big smile on the face.

Next time, though, i'll empty the cup first. Or maybe even go inside to use the bathroom.

A Thousand Laughs for You! { John Leguizamo }

About 500 years ago, i had HBO and John Leguizamo's Freak came on.  I loved him already, but after seeing this, i was officially all up in love. 

This video is rated R. 

This is part 1...there are several.  It's one of the funniest and most interesting life stories i've ever seen performed. 

Enjoy!

Jane Austen Fight Club

Things People Say

Okay, one funny one, and one just plain good one.  Ready?

Bryce (my 4-year-old):  Mommy, if you got bit by a zombie, would you turn into a zombie?
Me:  Yes, I would.
Bryce:  Mommy, if you turned into a zombie, would you eat Brycey?
Me:  (giggling, then serious) Of course not, sweetie. I would never eat you.

And from Letters to Juliet (which I'm totally misquoting, but the gist is there):
"What and if...two non-threatening words that when put together can haunt you for the rest of your life."

Too Funny Not to Share

A friend forwarded this email to me and some of these made me LOL.  I've enlargeated my faves.  Enjoy!

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,when you die, your Soul flies up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take anywordfrom the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:



1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders thesubjectfinancially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are runninglate.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.



And the pick of the literature:



16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole!

Sleep Talk Antics

Have you seen this guy?  http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

I saw a piece about it on The Today Show and wanted to look it up.  Space-brain that I am, I completely forgot to.  Thanks to my dear friend, Dr. Brian Dickert, for reminding me!

Bwaaaaaahahahahahahaha! Sure Cure For a Cough

My 3-year-old crawled up next to me in bed this morning and said:

"I'm going to choke the cough out of you now.  Are you ready?"

I was admittedly a little concerned, but curiosity won in the end.  "Yep, ready!"

Bryce then slapped my left cheek twice. 

"Is it gone?"

I tested.  Nope, cough's still there.

Bryce then proceeded to slap my right boob 8 times.  "Did that fix it?"

I took a deep breath...no cough.  "Yep, that did it!"

Bryce sat looking very pleased with himself.  That kid's a doctor in the making, I tell you.

Warning: May Walk or Talk in Sleep

I've had a nasty cold this week.  I'm not one of those people who get "mild" colds.  When I get one, it b!*c# slaps me.  And I'm not a fan of medication, but when it comes to a cold and not being able to breathe through my nose, I will guzzle Theraflu and shoot Afrin up my nose like a drugstore junkie.

So, for the past two nights, Todd reports that I've been animated while in my drug-induced sleep.

On night one, I raised both my arms in the air and frantically cried, "WHERE ARE MY RINGS?"  Then I got up and went to check the place I normally keep them, saw that they were safely there, reported as such to Todd, climbed back into bed and went to sleep.

Then last night, I yelled, "WATER" in the middle of the night.  Todd jumped from bed and ran to the kitchen for water (in all fairness, I sometimes get crazy dry throat at night and wake up choking; that's why he rushed).  He brought a glass back for me but I was sound asleep.  Sweet man. 

I wonder what shenanigans I'll pull tonight.  We really should set up a video camera.  I would like to see this.  And I'm sure you would, too!  Hehe.

Do Yourself a Favor - Watch This Video!

Turn up the sound. Focus on the boy in the red shirt (sorry, sister, your 15 minutes will have to wait). This makes me smile. Just what I needed after last week! You go, boy!

Sure to Get a Giggle

If you've ever checked out the list of blogs I stalk, and were put off by the one called GoFugYourself, do not let the name scare you! It's a blog about (mostly bad) fashion written by a very witty fashionista. Here's a great one to start with; it CRACKED me UP even in the midst of my foreclosure depression. Go see --> http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/go_fug_yourself/2009/08/fug-fug_pow.html

Hotties vs. Power tools

I was driving to northeast Mesa to pick Allie up from a friend's house last Saturday and was listening to NPR's show, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!" I love that show. Anyway, one of the items that had been in the news that week was the finding that when men look at tools, the same part of their brain is stimulated as when they look at pictures of scantily clad women.

Just think of the implications of that!

Can't get your man in the mood? Slip a tool catalogue on the nightstand! Or better yet, strap on a toolbelt! Carry a hammer around, slung provocatively over your shoulder.

Not married? Can't get the guy to commit? Buy him some tools! Competing with another woman for a hot guy's attention? Start wearing tight fitting t-shirts with tool logos on the front...double whammy!

Ohhh yes, ladies. I think this new information could be very useful for us. Very useful indeed!

Popcorn kernels are perfect for toddler nostrils, apparently

WARNING: THIS IS GROSS!

So around 11 last night, dear daughter came into our bedroom, woke me, and informed me that toddler boy had an unpopped popcorn kernel stuck up his nose. (They are late-nighters, those two).

So I sat up and looked at Bryce, who looked uncharacteristically concerned.

I then reached over and felt his nostril, and sure enough, up as far as he could shove it--seriously, almost beyond where the bone starts, I could feel the hard, roundish lump of a popcorn kernel.

Searching for but not finding our old baby nose aspirator thingy, I tried rubbing carefully but firmly down the nostril to dislodge the kernel.

It wasn't moving. It was jammed firmly in place.

Bryce, sensing the seriousness of the situation, sat as still and quiet as a sleeping bird while I manipulated his nose.

Still no movement from The Kernel.

Finally, I sighed and did what all you other moms would've done, too.

I sucked his nostril.

Allie left the room, presumably to vomit.

I closed off the clear nostril, covered his mouth, and inhaled forcefully. The kernel dislodged slightly...just enough that I could now rub it down to the cute little entrance of the nose. I then took my long pinkie nail (I keep it longer than the rest just in case such a situation as this should arise) and snagged the kernel, freeing it from it's boogery domain. Yes, I just said boogery.

Are you grossed out yet? I am.