Thursday, April 30, 2009

Psychos Need Not Apply

I don't post rants very often (do i?) but i just have to get this off my chest. This is a story about Dick, short for Richard.

So the other day on Facebook, I put up this profile picture: I took it myself, while sitting in the front seat of our car after we had climbed in from walking around Florence taking pictures together as a family. We've ALL done that--turned the camera around and taken our own picture. We don't expect it to be a fantastic serious picture for the love of Heaven!
So we get home, I upload all the photos of our family, and then come across this one. I thought the crazy light coming in from the car window made some wild hilights and shadows and liked the contrast and thought it would be a fun pic in black and white. I spent less than 5 minutes converting it to b&w and pumping up the contrast a little more for the dramatic effect. I didn't care that hilights were blown, didn't care what I looked like; just thought it was a fun picture. Not something I would print out and hang on the wall, but who gives a's a FACEBOOK PROFILE PIC...not my entry for portrait of the year, for !#$%* sake!

So, less than 30 minutes after posting it, I get a message in my fb inbox from Dick, short for Richard. It was a snide and serious critique of my FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE. It was beyond ridiculous and I was instantly annoyed. Dick was trying so hard to use terminology that he thought was accurate photography lingo, and yet failing miserably. He tried to guess what lens I had used to take the photo--also way off. He told me the focal length I had "chosen" made my nose look big. (It's actually the blown hilights that makes my nose/eye area look off, and NOT the focal length).

He's one of those ppl who just annoy the crap out of me anyway, because he's a pompous ass, passive-aggressive, and changes his story to make it seem like he was right all along no matter what the issue. (Sidenote: My sweet friend, Angie, had just commented that she liked the picture which cracked me up since Dick had just given his ridiculous critique and that made me laugh even harder since he was taking himself so seriously, AND Angie's compliment of the photo really seemed to anger him, which was kinda spooky).

A few messages went back and forth between us and I finally told him I had to defriend him and cease all communication (which i have had to do with him in the past when he professed he had had a crush on me several years before...gross! SO don't need that kind of drama, especially from a married man!). He lied about the crush in front of his wife, by the way, during this recent exchange. But that's standard for him...change the story to give himself the best possible outcome.

So why has this whole thing been bugging me so much the last few days? It's simple: it has nothing to do with Dick's bizarre and anal critique of my photo. It has to do with the fact that when I got that friend request from him on fb, I didn't want to accept it, KNEW I should've just ignored it, but like the huge-sap-who-doesn't-like-to-hurt-anyone's-feelings that I am, I went against my better judgement and accepted it. People, trust your instincts and look out for your own peace of mind!

I'm just glad he's out of my life again, hopefully once and for all. I don't like crazy people who don't know they're crazy. They put me on edge. I just can't help it.

Thank you for letting me rant. I feel better already!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Popcorn kernels are perfect for toddler nostrils, apparently


So around 11 last night, dear daughter came into our bedroom, woke me, and informed me that toddler boy had an unpopped popcorn kernel stuck up his nose. (They are late-nighters, those two).

So I sat up and looked at Bryce, who looked uncharacteristically concerned.

I then reached over and felt his nostril, and sure enough, up as far as he could shove it--seriously, almost beyond where the bone starts, I could feel the hard, roundish lump of a popcorn kernel.

Searching for but not finding our old baby nose aspirator thingy, I tried rubbing carefully but firmly down the nostril to dislodge the kernel.

It wasn't moving. It was jammed firmly in place.

Bryce, sensing the seriousness of the situation, sat as still and quiet as a sleeping bird while I manipulated his nose.

Still no movement from The Kernel.

Finally, I sighed and did what all you other moms would've done, too.

I sucked his nostril.

Allie left the room, presumably to vomit.

I closed off the clear nostril, covered his mouth, and inhaled forcefully. The kernel dislodged slightly...just enough that I could now rub it down to the cute little entrance of the nose. I then took my long pinkie nail (I keep it longer than the rest just in case such a situation as this should arise) and snagged the kernel, freeing it from it's boogery domain. Yes, I just said boogery.

Are you grossed out yet? I am.