There Might Be a Whip Scorpion in Your House If....

• You keep thinking you see something moving out of the corner of your eye and jump up on furniture in reaction
• You fear walking on whip-scorpion-colored carpet
• You stand back four feet from the washer and dryer, stretching and leaning to get the clothes in and out, just in case there's a whip scorpion hiding under there
• When entering a room, you pause to scan the floor for whip scorpions
• When sitting on the toilet, you keep your feet elevated off the floor in case a whip scorpion runs out and you're stuck there on the toilet, defenseless
• You see an actual whip scorpion run behind your dryer

Dear Whip Scorpion That Ran Under My Dryer:

I know it's ugly outside, but please find your way back out there.  I'm sure there are far more interesting things to eat out there, anyway.  It's your natural habitat.  Yes, I know you got screwed in that regard, but still.  Inside this house is my domain, and I must put my foot down.  If that foot comes down on you, I will crap my pants.  I have no intention of harming you { mostly out of fear } and hope that we can come to a peaceful agreement here. 

Sincerely,

s

The End of My Peaceful Existence

Todd was out back tonight working on the backyard, so I decided to go hang out, too. I perused the perimeter of the fence and saw a widow web in the northeast corner, and so went to get a flashlight. Todd killed the widow, then found another and killed that one, too. I found two more babies further down the fence and drowned them with Odo Ban and Simple Green. I continued along the length of the fence until I came to the far opposite end and shined the light in that corner. To my horror I saw one of these... (go see it! i'm not putting that freakishly scary picture on my blog!)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Skorpion_fg01.jpg

For the past year and a half, I've been living with the belief that we didn't have scorpions in our happy little section of the desert. My comfortable little lie came completely undone in that moment and my life changed forever. This was the end of my peaceful existence.

I froze. I began to shake. All I could do was stand there shrieking/howling/squealing "Scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion scorpion," until Todd walked casually over.

He took my flashlight and I took several steps backward. I started bawling...really bawling, crying my heart out. Loudly. (The neighbors no longer have to wonder if I'm a nut; they now have their confirmation).

The scorp evaded Todd's attempts at squishing him and darted into a crevice in the block wall of the fence. Damn crevices to Hell! At that point, I retreated to the house in a state of despair. Allie was on the computer and I approached her, sobbing, to tell her the bad news.

She laughed at me.

I called Amy to tell her the bad news, still crying. She tried so hard not to laugh at me.

It is so not funny.