Thursday, April 10, 2008

Are you ready to die?

Gerard Way (MCR) asked that question before singing their song, Dead!, at their show in Tempe on March 28.

yesterday i asked myself the same question. i had been having interesting chest pain since 11 the previous night. i'm no stranger to chest pain, having an ectopic pacemaker (my natural one, not an artificial one) that causes me sharp, shooting pains now and then. this pain was different. and i was nauseated. and i was really really inexplicably tired. so of course i go look up all those symptoms online and it says this is how a woman's heart attack usually starts. great. so, i take a baby aspirin and go back to bed.

And if your heart stops beating
I'll be here wondering
Did you get what you deserve?
The ending of your life
so the next morning (yesterday) i wake up and the chest pain starts again. i try all sorts of things to get it to stop. it won't. i take another aspirin and make waffles for the kids, all the while wondering if i'm about to have a heart attack and contemplating whether i'm up for that or not.

And if you get to heaven
I'll be here waiting, babe
Did you get what you deserve?
The end

so the kids leave for school and the pain is still persisting and my body just feels "weird all over." i keep getting nauseated and dizzy and am unbearably tired. so i call Tanya, our Ward's compassionate service coordinator and see if she knows anyone i can ask about this because i don't want to go to the hospital and rack up more bills on top of the ones i'm still paying for the miscarriage in December. no one Tanya calls is home, so Tanya comes over to hang out and tell me about the numerous heart attacks her mom has had (all her symptoms matched mine!).

And if your life won't wait
Then your heart can't take this

so i'm trying to figure out if Todd gets sick days or not to see if we can afford for him to come home to take me to the hospital. he comes home and we head out to Urgent Care (trying to save the hospital bill). Urgent Care doc comes out and asks me a few questions about my symptoms and sends me straight to the hospital. great. all i can think about is the bill and i contemplate just sitting in the car in the hospital parking lot until i actually have the heart attack (if it ever comes) or just going back home.

Have you heard the news that you're dead?

so the overall weird feeling intensifies and i decide with much prodding from Todd to go into the E.R. by that time the pain was radiating to my jaw and down the left arm. sadly, at that point, i didn't really care if i was about to die. Todd would get insurance money and we wouldn't have to struggle with finances anymore, which i am SICK of (apparently, nearly sick to death of).
No one ever had much nice to say
I think they never liked you anyway

i have to say that the staff at Mercy Gilbert are the kindest, sweetest people ever. after my initial EKG showed i was indeed not having a heart attack, i was placed in a chair in an ER room for less severe patients and hooked up to a heart monitor and pulse ox. a chest x-ray was taken, my labs were drawn and an i.v. inserted (so not fun). then my heart started doing all sorts of wacky beats and set the alarm off on the monitor. that's when they moved me into the "ballroom" where more serious patients go. it had a bed, not too cozy, but better than the chair.

Oh take me from the hospital bed
Wouldn't it be grand?
It ain't exactly what you planned.
And wouldn't it be great If we were dead?
Ohh dead.

so at that point i actually got a little scared and wondered if this was how i wanted to go or if i was ready to go. still wasn't sure. the lab folk came back to draw a "hold pink top," in case i had to go into surgery. not a comforting thought. if you know me, you know i would really rather not have surgery, or any kind of procedure at all. it freaks me out.

And in my honest observation
During this operation
Found a complication in your heart

after a few more hours of monitoring and crazy heart patterns, my lab results came back. everything looked good, except for the test for blood clots. it should've been below 1.3, but mine was 2.17--on the higher side of the "indeterminate" range. the doc recommended a CAT scan but i really didn't want to do it. he said i could wait as long as i understood that if it were a blood clot it could be fatal. he made me promise to come back if i had more pain and to take aspirin every day until i could see a cardiologist. sure, no problem.

So long,
'Cause now you've got (now you've got)
Maybe just two weeks to live
Is that the most the both of you can give?
One, two, one two three four!
Well come on,

so, yes, i had a little chest uneasiness this morning but took my aspirin and feel better. why is that? don't answer, i don't really want to know. i'm just left here with the biggest struggle of my i feel about death. i feel guilty for sometimes wanting it to come, but sometimes life is just too much. i am just too tired and worn out from worrying about money and whether we'll join the herds and lose our house. i don't think i could survive that, so why not just go ahead and die so Todd can have the insurance money and refi the house and not have to work 70 hours/week just to survive. wouldn't life just be easier for the people i love? then the guilt comes and i do want to stick around--for them. because even though i know i'm high maintenance and royal pain in the arse, i know Todd loves me and i love him so much i would do anything for him, even live with myself. and i know that i'm not a perfect mom, but i think the kids still need me. i know Bryce still needs me. he sang for the first time yesterday on the way to the hospital. it was the sweetest most precious thing and it made my heart happy for a little while. maybe i'll just hold onto that.

do you ever feel like the devil just has you on strings? i know i need to go to the Temple; i know i need to read my scriptures. i know i need to fast and pray. i know, i know, i know. i just hope i can get there before it's too late.

Oh #$%^&,
If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why are we laughing? (LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why are we laughing?
If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why are we laughing? (LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why am I dead?

3 holla'd back:

Admin said...

Aaaaahhhh! You better not have a blood clot because I am reeeeeaaally looking forward to those dumplings and borsch and talking to you about your amazing book and the chocolate and smelling your devil poo stuff.... I am so selfish, I know, but you did tell me that your borsch and dumplings were amazing. :) Next time call ME for help because I would drive clear across anywhere to be with you if you need a friend or a drive or anything. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing your stories. You are in our prayers and we love you. :)

sandi said...

You are the sweetest person I know! I just love you, and not just because you shower me with compliments and offer to drive clear across anywhere to help me out. You really are just great!

Anonymous said...

It is waaaaay to easy to just cash it all in and die. That is the easy way out-the tough part is holding on, getting healthy, taking care of the kids and family-struggling like the rest of us with debt and collectors calling every day....we are all going through the same stuff-do not think you are alone.
Something must have been going on in the world yesterday (4-09-08) because I was having excruciating chest pains as well-I took 4 aspirin in the daytime and at night-then I worked out and ran and today I feel better than ever....maybe they put sensor's in us in Japan without us knowing it and now they are playing games with out health....just kidding.
Hang in there, do what the doctor's tell you to do and fight to stay alive-it is much more challenging and rewarding in the end than just giving's not your time to go yet-you have to clean the

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