Tuesday, September 1, 2009


So I've been having some insane headaches the past couple months. It starts with constriction in my spine. Soon the pain travels up into my head where it sometimes burns like a Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial gone horribly wrong, and other times it alternates between intense but dull pain and throbbing travelling pain. It's often blinding and sometimes makes me nauseated.

I woke at 3:30 yesterday morning because I could no longer sleep through the pain. I could barely think, it hurt so intensely. My kind and dear husband drove me to Dr. Mike (a trip to Dr. Mike usually fixes me right up in one session). I left feeling better, but not completely put back together. The pain continued throughout the day, cycling from mild to moderate.

So as I lay in bed last night, I started having anxiety attacks. They centered around someone else living in my house. I just can't seem to let go. This is my house. This is our home. And the thought of someone else living in it hurts my heart. And apparently my head.

3 holla'd back:

Amy said...

I am sorry to hear that you are having such intense pain. It could be that your are experiencing psychosomatic symptoms as a result of your stress over losing your home. That could be it. But, have you seen a REAL doctor (or doctors) to rule out anything that might be more serious? I would be very concerned about any pain in your spine or head intense enough to wake you in the middle of the night.

Also, (this is a rhetorical question) have you seen or considered seeing a therapist of some sort to help you work through feelings of loss associated with losing your home?

I hope you are feeling better today!

sandi said...

Hi Amy,

Nope, haven't seen an MD because we have a $2,000 deductible and I know the tests they would want to run would put us further in debt.

Counseling...yes, I definitely need some counseling right now, but that's not covered at all on our "insurance." (I'm not even sure why we shell out the $516/month for it. Come to think of it, if I had simply cancelled our insurance, that would've been enough to make our mortgage payment. Go figure.)

I think I need to allow myself to fully experience the grieving process, but I don't want to, because it hurts. And it hurts to hold it in, too. I know at some point it's all going to all come gushing out despite my attempts to let it trinkle out in bits. I'm just really not looking forward to it.


Amy said...

I just wrote you this really long email all about a personal experience but I don't know if I should send it. You probably don't want to hear it right now. Ultimately, the point was, maybe it's best to just let it all come rushing out. The personal experience I was writing about taught me that this bottling up we strong types do really just destroys our bodies and adds physical pain to the emotional pain. It's not a trade of emotional pain for physical pain, it's additive, maybe even multiplicative. I suggest a good complete and total freak-out! If you want to hear about mine, I'll send you that email.

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