It's a Bittersweet Symphony, This Life

I often ponder why it is that i still feel and receive guidance from what i use to refer to as "The Spirit," despite my atheist/humanist/pantheist beliefs.  But ya know what?  I don't care.  I don't need an answer (good thing, too, because there isn't one that can be proven).  I attribute it to this:  the Universe is a kind and loving place that conspires in our favor at all times, whether we ask it to or not, and whether or not a mere man (despite what title he has given himself) deems us "worthy" or not.

Friday i had a very difficult decision to make regarding the life of one of my children.  As i pondered the list of options, one of them stood out, almost magnified itself before my eyes, guiding me to choose it.  Stupid me that i am, i didn't choose it, but it chose me in the end, anyway.  That option manifested itself despite my moving forward on an option that was faster (though wouldn't have been better).

A person was led into my life recently, too, who has held my hand through the amazing difficulties i've faced with this situation; we wouldn't be in the good place we're in had he not been led to us (again, the Universe has to be thanked for that).

Thank you, Universe, god, flying spaghetti monster, big huge nothingness, cosmic consciousness or whatever else may be here.  You rock!  I love you hugely. 

Namaste.

Have You Ever Been in Love?

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."
(Neil Gaiman) "Rose Walker" in The Sandman #65

I Still Believe...it's you and me 'til the end of time....

And Then...

...there are those days that are so delicious and perfect you don't want them to end. This morning was one of those. Hoping for many more....

i just can't write

i've forgotten all my stories about virginia.  i'm totally consumed with what's going on here.  if you know about my private blog, i'll probably be writing about it there in the next few days.  i need to get it out.  and i need to get away.

i think i will.

in the meantime, here's a snap of Cathy and me, right after her shoot.  She looks lovely; i look unruly and gross.  just how it should be :)

Coffee at Bedtime

Ready, set, ramble:

So i've really not been sleeping well lately.  Bryce, the vampire that he is, has been sleeping days and being up nights for...i dunno...weeks now, it seems.  He wakes me up several times throughout the night demanding food, attention, help with a broken toy.  All normal vampire boy things, but man...in the middle of my fragile sleep schedule?

He is currently sleeping.  He pulled a 17-hour waking shift and managed to fall asleep around 7:30 p.m.  So, what do i do, given this platinum opportunity to catch up on sleep?


I have a cup of coffee.

Einstein had nothing on me, really.  I think i'll go jot down some quantum shit and write a few haikus.

What.

And in other news:  my boyfriend, Peter Murphy, is playing in L.A. later this month.  I haven't seen him since he played the 9:30 Club in D.C. about 400 years ago.  Can't wait, can't wait!  I'm also seeing She Wants Revenge on the 16th (ish?).  Come on, you have to admit, this is one of the best songs EVER made:



Ever.

But lately i've really been digging Bent Self.  Check him out here: http://www.bentself.com/  It's been my photo editing music this week and is beginning to stick in my head, in a happy way.  It's dark; it belongs there.  If you don't immediately go fan him on Facebook, i can no longer be your friend.

Chris H., if you're reading this, yes, lunch at Milan!  Why are you not on Facebook?  That's how i organize my life.  I'll email you my cell # though, if i haven't already.

Okay then, that's the news from the 63 moons of Jupiter.

-isms

Maybe i'm only annoyed b/c it's 4:30 a.m. and i've been awake since 2:30; i dunno.  I'm just uber annoyed right now that someone who is not my friend is using a shit-ton of my own personal -isms; using sandi-isms as if they were his to begin with.  AS IF!  Stop using my -isms, you non-friend!  I came up with them myself.  Use the ones that are public domain all you want; just leave mine out of it!

And this is my brain on over-tired.

Weird Dreams

Last week was fraught with weird dreams.  Some were too unpleasant to put here in detail.  The memory of them are fading, too, so i'm sure i would leave out some important and significant points.  In one of them, people were packed in a room so tightly that it leaves me now thinking about crackers in a box, and trying to make my way through them.  It was dark, that dream.  Both literally and figuratively. 

In another dream, i was pointing out to a friend that his wife had been incorrectly diagnosed and therefore couldn't get any actual help or healing.  I thought a more accurate diagnosis for her condition would've been Narcissistic Personality Disorder with a hint, perhaps of latent Histrionic Personality Disorder (although there was the sense that this would manifest more in the future).  (I've spent far too many years researching such things, really.)

The other dreams are too fragmented in my recollection now, so i'll skip them.  I really should've posted them when they were fresh; they were bizarre to the 10th!

Naughty

Don't get all excited; it's not about a naughty PERSON, it's my computer!  I clicked a virus link on Facebook while looking into FBML and my computer is pitiful right now. 

I'm considering wiping the hard drive and starting over fresh.  Sure wish i had someone here experienced in this sort of thing to hold my hand. 

I'm scared.

It's April?!

We're a week into April and i haven't blogged.  It's not that nothing's been going on; i just haven't felt like saying anything.

Plus i've been lounging around with a great book. It's the latest Sookie Stackhouse novel.  Gawd, i am so addicted.  I love the vampire storyline (of course, dammit) and the writer is just freaking funny.  I love her style. 

Before that one, i read The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman (thankies Lisa De, for giving me that book) and lo o o o o o o ved it. 

I have new toys to play with, photographically speaking.  I broke a light modifier last week and have replacement parts on the way (still under warranty...yeehaw!).  I got a portable battery for my lighting system yesterday; can't wait to try it out!  (Of course it rained the day it arrived, so i couldn't go out with it...

...but i have to admit, i loved the rain and loved being lazy in the house).

Time Warp

Ever since getting Bryce on a "normal" kid's sleep schedule (waking up before noon), i have far less time for blogging.  I'm so far behind on friends' blogs, it's shameful.  I'm caught up on the Self-Portrait Project, though, so i'll post a couple from that and say I LOVE YOU ALL and let's catch up soon!

 

The Breakup Dance { Painfully Beautiful }

I can't embed the video, so you'll have to go see it on YouTube, but it's so worth it to click over and watch. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YbEtfJryXA

My friend Michael posted this in one of our Facebook groups last night.  I literally cried watching it.  The choreography (thank you, Travis Wall) is amazing, and the dancers brought out the emotion so well.  The song fit perfectly, too.  I loved it all around. 

The Universal Stir { big-time F bomb warning for the clean-brained and brain-cleaned }

The Universe has got its finger in my pot, just a stirrin' away.  The past month has been just plain fucking weird.  Weird shit galore, i tell you.  Friends' loved-ones dying (x3), mind fuckery by people who claim to love me in the same breath as they dole out the mind fuckery.  Weird and unlikely loyalities from/for people that make ya stop and go "huh?"

Chaos is afoot.

It can only be good.

I think it means it's time to put some new ingredients in my pot.  It's time to switch things up.  And, as usual, if i don't get off my ass and do it myself, the Universe puts its big-ass finger in my pot and does it for me.

Thank you, Universe.  I love you!

Excited About Life

After a bit of a rough spot over the past couple weeks, i've been getting pretty excited about life.  Honestly, sometimes (actually quite often), i can take it or leave it.  Lately, though, i feel an excitement brewing deep within me and bubbling its way up to the surface.

I like this.

And i've found a god i love.  Read about her here (in the Post Edit):
http://backrubsleadtofrontrubs.blogspot.com/2011/03/god-thinks-like-you-and-like-me-and.html

{ thank you, Amy, my darling, for that! }

and, just for a giggle, here's the photo from my AZ driver's license, circa 2004:

Bad Dreams

God, i had a bad dream last night.  It was dark and twisted and i got bad news that really freaked me out, then i was behaving all weird and the opposite of how i should've been reacting.  It was all quite bizarre and irrational.  You know dreams, though.  They sometimes make us aware of our internal conflicts.  And yowza, am i ever having internal conflicts right now. 

Worst part of the dream?  I was working retail.  In a clothing store.  With the person with whom i was in conflict.  I think he was my boss, too.  Pttth.

The Sound of No Words (10,000 Butterflies)

Kayso, i can be kinda picky about music.  I like lyrics; i'm a word girl.  I like the emotion words evoke in me.  So, when i was challenged to "get" the emotion in a song with no words, i grumbled.  Finally, i relented, and listened.

Click to follow along:  http://gallery.me.com/o.liebert#100126

Coming from the strings of this single guitar, i heard a love story.  I felt the rising emotions that come with falling in love.  The newness, the unknown, the uncertainty, the deepening of emotions...tender feelings growing.

Then, it intensifies, the emotions swell.  It asks, what's next?

There are ups and downs, uncertainty, fear...then again, the tenderness.

A storm is building; darkness enters.  The tenderness struggles to find its way back to the light.  The darkness consumes.

The tenderness returns, because it always will.  This love can't be destroyed.  Even if it's hidden from view, it's still there.  There's a melancholy sadness about it, although it ends in hope.

Sometimes it seems hope is all that's left. 

But love always remains.

Still Recovering from Vegas

Wish i could say more about that.

Anyway...i met and hung out with some of the most amazing and talented photographers in the country and caught up with old friends. 

I learned a new trick that goes something like this (clik for biggah):

aaaaand i lost a couple more lbs in Vegas.  Down to 104 and feeling (and looking) more like myself again.  At least until Thanksgiving....

The Three Things

Did ya figure them out?  You know, my three favorite things that i'm going to do while in Vegas?  Friends, photography and clubbing.  That was easy, right?!

This trip will be my official "moving on" from things i've been pointlessly clinging to.  It's time to let go, close the proverbial door and allow the next one to open.

Here's to old friends, lost friends, new friends, and found friends. 

Cheers!

It's Hard to Remember Our Lives are Such a Short Time { yes, i'm speaking through music this week in case you haven't noticed already }

i do that a lot, don't i?  i let music speak for me.  but the words, of course, aren't going to fit perfectly with what's going on in my life.  mouse comes pretty damned close a lot of the time, though.

this is my song about turning things around and coming out of the wicked nasty depression that's had me down all week.  "my hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself..." okay, not just from inside myself; there are definitely external influences that i allow to get me down.  i've had enough of them for now; i'm ready to move on.

in four days i'll be in another world (vegas, baby!) doing what i love most with some of the people i love most.  i'll leave all that open for interpretation, but if you know me, there are at least three things that top that list.  and i'm in need of all three after a week like one's been.

on! on!



LIVES

Everyone's afraid of their own life
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up
Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math
When you were alive
No ones gonna play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind?
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
Am I right? And it our lives
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
When it takes such a long time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witch
I like this
My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?

I Got All the Time for You { the space between }

.
You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The space between the tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between the wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?

These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like, will it rain today?
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies with warring hearts
What a wild-eyed beast you'll be
The space between the wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
Will I hold?

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like the Devil in a church
In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love is hope we don't take this ship down

But the space between where you're smilin' high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The space between the bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you

The rain that falls splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room
The space between our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand 'cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here, love is all we need, dear

The space between what's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The space between your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time

The space between
The space between