"It's so nice to not have to smell animal ass when you walk in the house." --Quote of the day by Todd Miller. He's in a lot of houses for his job and smells a lot of odd aromas. Animal ass is just the tip of the iceberg. You do not want to know. Trust.
So, we had a bunch of teens at our house over the weekend and one of them was talking about how he cracks his girlfriend's back by grabbing and pulling the skin over the lumbar spine. You pull it up really quickly and firmly and a vertebra will crack. I was intrigued, having spent the past couple days with terrific back pain. I lay down on the floor and had Todd grasp my fat back* and give it a yank. Sure enough, CRACK! This sent me into hysterics; i could not stop laughing. Finally, i said, "Do it again! Do it again!" A little higher up this time, and again...CRACK! I have to admit, i'm feeling tons better today.
*i'm back to the same weight i was at this time last year. Thanks to a high-carb diet, i once again qualify as a sumo wrestler. { almost }
Monday, January 17, 2011
Cracklins and Fat Back { and Animal Ass }
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4 holla'd back:
From Tuesday afternoon to Wednesday evening last week, I lost eight pounds! Yes, I'm being totally serious. My secret? Food poisoning. It's a little drastic, but when you've gotta lose weight fast...Now, if I can just get a bout of the flu before the season's done, I'll have my bikini body back in no time (that took off ten pounds last year).
You can read all about it in my upcoming diet book: Anything Not Nailed Down: How to Puke and Shit Your Way to a Sexier Body Overnight.
Chris, you've inspired me! I'm going to eat some raw pork right away! Why didn't i think of this before?
Well, hold on! Let me give you the anti-nausea pills they gave me before you get started! That way, you can maybe avoid getting a painful shot in your asscheek at the ER. I haven't suffered that indignity since I was seven years old!
I know, I know, your ass is, like, so disgustingly ginormous and lumpy you wouldn't even feel it, but still...
I lost 2 lbs overnight somehow. I didn't eat the raw pork. I had a glass of red wine. You know, i noticed that last time i had a glass of wine in the evening, i woke up a pound lighter. I think i'm on to something. Might not need that raw pork after all. Admittedly, i was not entirely thrilled at the possibility of a shot to the ass.
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