D-day Flashback

I don't know why, but i'm being haunted today by the memory of October 18, 2006.  It's pushing down on me, paining me, breaking my heart all over again.  I still remember the phone call from the doctor telling me the test results were positive (which was really, really negative, and not positive at all) and that i had to get Allie to the E.R. at Phoenix Children's Hospital.  I remember Allie, shorter than i then, standing across the kitchen bar from me, reading the expression on my face.  I remember when my eyes met hers and all i saw there was wonder.  I know in mine she saw fear.  I remember hanging up the phone and telling her she would have to pack a bag for a 3-day stay at the hospital.  I didn't know anything then.  Nothing.  My world still had color.  It drained quickly.

I remember calling Todd, my hand shaking as I dialed his number.  I remember telling him to come now RIGHT NOW because i couldn't drive.  I remember the drive to the hospital; my emotions circulating between fear and a blank void of non-feeling.  I couldn't process.

I remember being led directly to what would be our home--a shared room at PCH--for the next three days.  I remember Allie's blood sugar being tested--it was 399 (not bad for a new diagnosis and she owes that to her very high activity level). 

I remember her first shot of insulin--the mysterious substance that keeps her alive.

I remember bringing her home from the hospital, far more scared than i was the day i brought her home when she was born.

I remember the first time i tried to explain the difference between type 1 and type 2 diabetes to someone who refused to accept that type 1 is an auto-immune disease and can't be prevented or cured (yet).  These people still piss me off.

I don't know why i had a bad D-day today.  It's been a while.  That's progress, i suppose.