Thursday, July 24, 2008

Bad "D" Day

I am having a bad D day. I think it was sparked by Allie's dad telling me yesterday that she needed her insulin adjusted because she had been having some crazy lows. He asked me who I take her to to have the insulin adjusted. Answer: me. I adjust her insulin. But Allie seems to have taken care of it herself. She thinks her pancreas might be producing a little insulin because she'll be around 300 after a meal and not bolus much and be around 70 within a hour. She thinks it's because of the homeopathic remedy Dr. Gelburd gave her. Or maybe it's me who thought that. Which of course, sparked this painful little iota of hope in my heart that maybe that remedy is the cure. Maybe it's balancing her system out and those rogue beta-cell-killing white blood cells are going remiss and will rest and allow her beta cells to regenerate, to start producing insulin again.

I imagine--for just a hair's width of a second--life without needles, lancets, test strips, glucose meters, insulin bottles, cool packs, keytone strips, fear, worry, panic, dread....

Ah, to dream of having freedom and peace back. It's too painful to hope for; the let down too unbearable to deal with.

I

hate

diabetes.

It comes like a spy, like a sneak in the night and steals your good dreams.

It goes out in rippling waves of unbalanced chaos and wreaks havoc on the inside: the kidneys, the heart, the eyes, the tiny blood vessels. "You look so healthy, it can't be that serious." Ha! That's how the trickster gets you in the end. With a subtlety so practiced and perfect it's not recognizable to the untrained eye.

It follows you around all day, all night, every day. It doesn't give you a break. If you turn your head for a minute, it's there waiting to cheat you in yet another way or steal one more piece of your sanity.

I

hate

diabetes.

And now my rant is over. I am going to go eat something and feel guilty becuase I don't have to first: test my blood sugar, count the carbs, draw up the insulin, inject it, hope it turns out to be the right amount, suffer a blood sugar high or low if it wasn't.

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if i say it enough, it has to come true, right?

4 holla'd back:

Crazymamaof6 said...

UGH! that sucks!

The Man - Marty James said...

It sucks ass, but it's time to face reality-it may get worse before it gets better. I hate to say that, but you know it better than I do. Just bounce back, keep pressing on, and do the best for Allie-prepare for the worst, pray for the best. Your family has dealt with the ups and downs this far, and so far you've done an amazing job-keep it up!!!

Anonymous said...

You may not be too far wrong about the cure. Have you heard about Dr Denise Faustman's work in Harvard which has now reached the stage of human clinical trials on this potential cure in Mass Gen Hospital. We don't always know what is around the corner but the US government has just approved massive additional funding to reseach diabetes....hopefully some of the funds will go to this amazing work. Keep the hope...and google Dr Faustman.

From Aine

bob marley & lucy liu said...

Hi Aine, thank you for commenting. Yes, I've been following Dr. Faustman closely and praying on her behalf. Her research sounds so promising! Let's keep our fingers crossed....

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