Friday, December 19, 2008

All I Want for Christmas is a Mother

This year for Christmas, I sent my mom a package with these yummy fruit and nut candies that Todd thought she'd love and a couple of games I thought she would enjoy playing with my brother, since he recently separated from his wife and moved in with our mom. I should have known better than to send her anything.

I called her this morning and asked if the package had arrived. She said that it had arrived yesterday. I asked her if she had opened it and she said, "Yes, and I tell you I was mighty disappointed. That candy is nasty; I might as well have opened a jar of jelly. And I don't even know if your brother likes card games." (One of the games was Phase 10; I thought she would like it because we grew up playing Rummy and it's similar.)

My heart sank. Why, why, why did I bother? Why do I do this to myself? Will I never learn? After 39 years of living with her special brand of evil, will I never stop seeking that motherly bond that I cannot seem to stop craving, even at this age? Even though I have a family of my own? Will I never stop allowing her to stab me in the heart?

I see other women with their loving moms...arms around each other in a warm embrace. I see the love in their eyes. I long for that. I ache for a mom to call and share things with; one who will understand and just try to comfort. Instead I get the lecturing, negative, everything is wrong in the world mother who is so very skilled at making me feel like crap. She's not the hugging type. She doesn't say, "I love you." I think I moved 2500 miles away so I wouldn't have to experience the pain in person. It's not quite as hard over the phone.

Diamonds are lovely, chocolate is divine, vacations are exciting, but all I really want is the love of a mom.



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6 holla'd back:

Lisa said...

I think my heart just had a little attack....it aches for you! But you know what, you have definitely not fallen in your mother's footsteps! The torture has stopped with you cause you are an absolutely fantastic mom!!

bob marley & lucy liu said...

Thanks, Lis, you are too kind. Believe me, my mother rears her evil head through me from time to time; my kids will definitely testify to that. But I'm trying!

Anonymous said...

I hope you told her to go to hell. I'm all for respecting your parents but not when they behave like spoiled children.

Tiff Moser said...

I echo Lisa's comments. You have stopped a cycle that could have been passed down from generation to generation. You are an amazing mom inspite of your roots. Remember Sandi, that not only do we have a Heavenly Father, but we have a Heavenly Mother as well. Someday you will meet her again face to face and she will put her loving arms around you and you will see the love she has for you in her eyes.

Crazymamaof6 said...

i have to say THAT SUCKS!
i'm sorry! and really how can i follow up tiff's comment. i can't . but THAT ROYALLY SUCKS! and you deserve better. way to go being the mom you never had! hugs!

The Man - Marty James said...

Okay, next year you send her a bottle of Jack Daniels and a carton of smokes...do that every year and do not deviate from that plan!

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