The World at Large (Mouse Fest Continues)

Dear, dear Isaac Brock, why oh why oh why oh why did you guys skip Phx this tour? Where will i have to fly to to see you? (And have 500 of your babies?)

Modest Mouse Affair Turns to Obsession

I shouldn't have to explain this, but i will for the sake of just avoiding other people's confusion.  I LOVE, no...i EFFING LOVE Modest Mouse.  I love their sound, i love their emotion, i love their mystery and i am fascinated by their lyrics.  That doesn't mean their words are my Bible (although they do speak to a lot of my feelings and thoughts).  'Kay?  I'm fascinated by serial killers, but that doesn't mean i want to be one.  'Kay?  (But so we're still straight, i do want to have like 500 of their babies--Mouse babies, not serial killers').

Now then.  I love this song as much as the others i've posted from the mice.  Here are the words, for those of you obsessed with figuring out song meanings.  This one is less complicated than the last couple, but really good all the same! 

Sometimes You Have to Punch Something

So i have this rib that loves to go out and cause me great and enormous pain.  I realized yesterday (after 2 visits in one day to my NSA guy) that the rib was the one right over my heart.  Well, okay, there's more than one rib right there, but it's the one you feel the most if you're putting your hand over your "heart" during the National Anthem.  It started tormenting me about the time we found out we were going to lose our house. 

So, during an NSA entrainment (kinda like a chiropractic adjustment but minus the brute force and violence and with much better results) I felt the tension releasing from my muscles, as usual, but i also felt a welling of emotions (which happens occasionally).  First, i felt extreme gratitude for Dr. Mike and his ability to help my body heal.  Then, I felt anger. 

I am harboring a lot of anger toward a particular person (don't worry, it's not you).  I half-jokingly told Dr. Mike after the entrainment that i felt like i needed to punch something.  He said maybe i did.  It was a little while later that i realized it wasn't a "what," but a "who" (not to be confused with a Hoo) that i would love to go rounds with.  Of course, that's not going to happen.  But something's gotta give.

Stop By Anytime { I'm Homesick for VA }

This is my friend Devon Sproule (and her hubster, Paul Curreri) playing on a British tv show.  I'm so glad it was this song.  I love this song.  It conjures up images of living in Virginia.  When I move back, stop by anytime.

My Modest Mouse Affair Continues

A couple posts back, I graced you with the Satellite Skin video from Modest Mouse. The lyrics are so amazing. I thought i would try to sort them out, but i'm not so good at articulating these things, so i'm putting someone else's take on it and i think it's pretty dang good!  (Note:  I left the text as is...the spelling mistakes aren't mine! hehehe)

Here's a take on it from http://www.songmeanings.net from the user HugeMMFan

[start quote]

So, I will give a stab at what this means. To me Isaac is talking about religion in this one. Could just be me but it all makes perfect sense. Moth-wing feelings seems like, this very fragile topic. It is heally hard to talk to some people about religion because they are so closed minded about what they believe and it can cause you to loose friends.... even start wars (powdery dust on your fingers).

"No we're not praying we're kneelin
Hard enough just say you believe them"

Religion is sometimes thought to have been created to help people cope woth their fear of death so many people just find something that makes them feel good about "whats on the other side" and then just go along with the motions so they dont have to worry about their inevitable death. Many people dont even know what they believe, they just know what they are supposed to be doing.

"Well how the heck'd you think you could beat them
at the same time that you're trying to be them"

Ever gone to church and listen to people brag about there new car or new house or how the lord has blessed them??? It always seems to me that people are trying so hard to be better than everyone else and at the same time, they are doing it so that they will fit in (trying to be them)

"You can say what you want you're forgiven
Well happy fuckin congradulations"

HAHAHA this is my favorite part! Many believe that they can do what they want and say what they want just to trun around and "ask for forgiveness" and everything is better. Well happy fuckin congradulations to them.

"Well everyone, everyone wins
Just like being in my own solar system
Doing good things but then totally eclipse them
Oh what the use, oh what the hell"

Everyone who does what they are supposed to, acording to each religion, goes to a better place (everyone wins) I think the next line is meant as I just like being in my own solar system, kinda like being in your own world and and trying to live your life and do whats right but then someone comes along and tells you that what you are doing is not enough (doing good things but the totally eclipse them). So whats the point whats the use, and what the hell? If some diety out there gave us life, do you really think that it would want us to worry about things or to live this one life we were given!?!?

"If you sweep up this mess I've created
Nothing's left to show I existed"

After we die its up to others to tell how we lived. Ever been to a funeral and heard a million good things about someone that was average? I see it as if we dont live the way others want us too, when we die, they get the chance to sweep away all that we were so that, at least in their minds, they won us over to being exactly like they wanted us to wether that was how you were or not. Besides after your gone it doesnt matter anyways right?

"Asking for a question
Was it easier said than was actually done
Do you even believe that
Do you even believe that there's a race to be won"

I have heard several times that it is really hard to share your religion with someone else. How it's easy to talk about in a church setting but when your out side of it, it becomes hard to tell even your closest friend. BUT, if not telling your friends what you feel REALLY meant damnation...... why would it be so hard??? Could be that these people (religous ones) arent even sure what they believe themselves and so are unsure of how to comunicate their thoughts? Or is it because religion is so sensitive that a freindship is more important to them than loosing it over something that NO ONE is sure about?

"Get stacked in all those usual avoided spots
Just to tell you how I could not have seen
Through to the gist of those unhappy
Happy accidents"

WOW have I heard this one before!!!! Someone close dies or something horrible happens and people love to jump to, "Well, it happened for a reason, God works in mysterious ways and this is just a BLESSING in disguise" I feel just like this line sometimes. I just cant see through to the gist of those unhappy happy acidents!

Dont know if this makes sense to anyone else but thats what i hear. Also, i am not sure what Satelite skin is refering to. I was thinking maybe it has to do with something in the sky that people tend to rely on and give this notion of having skin or being real in a sense..... I dont know.

Either way, Isaac Brock is the greatest ever!!!

[end quote]

I Crack Myself Up and Her Fearful Symmetry

Yes, of course I read Breaking Dawn the minute it came out; i just grabbed it as a prop. What i'm really reading right now is Her Fearful Symmetry and it is damn spanky. I'm loving that book!

Satellite Skin { i'm in lerve, really bad }

Modest Mouse, i could have like 500 of your babies.  Your lyrics kill me.  And i love your voice.  And the rest of the band is awesome, too.  But the lyrics?  Sigh.

D-day Flashback

I don't know why, but i'm being haunted today by the memory of October 18, 2006.  It's pushing down on me, paining me, breaking my heart all over again.  I still remember the phone call from the doctor telling me the test results were positive (which was really, really negative, and not positive at all) and that i had to get Allie to the E.R. at Phoenix Children's Hospital.  I remember Allie, shorter than i then, standing across the kitchen bar from me, reading the expression on my face.  I remember when my eyes met hers and all i saw there was wonder.  I know in mine she saw fear.  I remember hanging up the phone and telling her she would have to pack a bag for a 3-day stay at the hospital.  I didn't know anything then.  Nothing.  My world still had color.  It drained quickly.

I remember calling Todd, my hand shaking as I dialed his number.  I remember telling him to come now RIGHT NOW because i couldn't drive.  I remember the drive to the hospital; my emotions circulating between fear and a blank void of non-feeling.  I couldn't process.

I remember being led directly to what would be our home--a shared room at PCH--for the next three days.  I remember Allie's blood sugar being tested--it was 399 (not bad for a new diagnosis and she owes that to her very high activity level). 

I remember her first shot of insulin--the mysterious substance that keeps her alive.

I remember bringing her home from the hospital, far more scared than i was the day i brought her home when she was born.

I remember the first time i tried to explain the difference between type 1 and type 2 diabetes to someone who refused to accept that type 1 is an auto-immune disease and can't be prevented or cured (yet).  These people still piss me off.

I don't know why i had a bad D-day today.  It's been a while.  That's progress, i suppose.

Cuz Angie Said So

Used the new logo on our photog blog. It's our official logo now. Thanks, Ang, for the thumbs up!

http://millermillerphotography.blogspot.com/

New Logo - Yep or Noooooo

I'm not feeling so well today.  I'm feeling pretty under the weather, actually.  I can't stand to sleep or lie in bed any more though, so i though i'd play with designing a new logo.  We've never actually gotten around to making one.  Our little stamped name i put on images changes more than my hair color.  So, maybe this one? 

I'm Nauseated. Just Booked a Flight. Must Barf Now.

I hate flying.  People who know i was in the USAF think this is funny, but come on, people!  Not everyone in the Air Force has an airborne job.  I was "okay" on the flight to VA in June.  I was NOT okay on the flight back.  And it wasn't a psychological thing about coming back to Brown Dirt.  No, it was a psychological thing about being 30,000 feet in the AIR and how WRONG that is and how it would SUCK ASS REALLY BIG if we fell from the sky.  I had a full-on panic attack and had a sudden and intense urge to get the hell off that plane.  Instead, i went into the bathroom and forced myself to calm down.  I said i would never--NOT EVER--fly again.

So, i just bought a ticket for me and myself alone to go to Portland (OR) in September.  I'm sick about it already.  Panic attacks at 30,000 feet pointedly suck, but they suck much worse amongst strangers.  I have less than 2 months to psych myself up for this. 

I'm whimpering.

Photo Yammering

'Kayso, i don't wanna post anything else but VA portrait sessions on my photog blog until i get all the VA photos edited and posted, but i was just playing with a photo i made behind Wen McNally's studio (who's Wen?  Click to see her website, and to see her as a huge part of my growing up, click Proof of My Existence over there on the right under Crapstain Faves, or whatever it says -->).  Wen is a photographer in the woods north of Fredericksburg, VA.  She is amazing and wonderful, not just as a photographer, but as a friend.  And she's fricking hilarious.  She has the same sense of humour now that she had growing up and i could cry telling you how happy that makes me.  Seriously, she's a goofball in the smart and witty way.  My fave! 

So, one of the times i went to visit and play, Wen had Sean (her hubster) haul her studio lights out into the woods behind the studio.  And here is one of the photos i made that evening.

Click it to see it biggah.

Fat-free Ignorance

I used to be one of those sheep who believed the media when they said fat is bad for you, fat makes you fat, blah blah blah.  Do you remember life before low-fat, "reduced" fat or fat-free food products crowded the shelves?  I do.  And I remember when i started noticing the fat-molested products.  Since they were placed so boldly on the shelves, there must've been something to the whole FAT IS BAD thing, right?  If that were true, why did Americans continue to gain weight after the onslaught of lowered-fat foods?  Why is obesity an epidemic in America? 

It's CARBS people, for cripes' sake! 

I know this is a hard concept.  It requires de-sheeping your brain, but come on, say it with me:

FAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FAT.  CARBS MAKE YOU FAT.

And if you're a chronic overeater, you're going to be fat anyway, unless you're somehow working out enough to keep it all off (unlikely).

LOWFAT FOODS ARE NOT SATISFYING, so what will you do?  That's right, EAT MORE.  GAH!

This is me.  I eat A LOT of fat (way more fat than protein or carbs).  I eat adequate protein.  I eat very few carbs.  Let me reiterate.  I EAT A LOT OF FAT!  Yes, it's healthy fat, from avocados, cheese, WHOLE milk cheese and cottage cheese...NOT low-fat crap.  I. Eat. A. Lot. Of. Fat.  I just want you to understand it.  I really do. 

Watch what this doctor/researcher is saying.  He's onto something!  I think he's still got some things to figure out, but he's sure got sugar in the bag!

Go Ahead, Make My Day.

,

I made this photo earlier.  Todd shot, I edited.  I think it looks tough.  I think I feel ideas coming on.  Uh oh!

Click to see it BIG.

Missing Home

The other night, my SIL (hi Lis) mentioned one of my old Facebook posts I made in VA.  It was the day my momma made me fried green tomatoes.  I came home from a run and there they were--still hot, piled on a plate waiting for me.  And they were goooooo o o o o oooood.  NOBODY can make fried green tomatoes like my momma can!  And don't get me started on the chipped beef gravy (which i ate without bread, ha!). 

Oh Virginia!  As i edit the portraits i made there, my heart weeps for you.  Can't i be two places at once? 

Do You Feel Like I Do?

Okay, this is so basic.  Remedial, really, or at least it should be, but it's what's on my mind, so here it is.

What makes you happy might not make me happy.  What makes me happy might not make you happy.  I NEED to be happy.  You might feel that way too.  Or maybe you don't.  Maybe for you, life is all about suffering and accepting.  I don't feel that way.  I feel like life ought to be happy and if it isn't, it's UP TO ME to make it so.

What makes you happy might not make me happy.  Not everyone gets their happy on from the same thing.

I know what makes me happy.  You might not understand it, or understand why it makes me happy.  You might not understand why what makes YOU happy DOESN'T make me happy.  You don't have to understand it.  You just have to accept it.  Or go away.  You choose.

That's what makes the world a beautiful place, man.

sexy.

There are far too many goofy and amusing apps for my Droid.

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Todd returns to work

ouch. this is hub. this is hub on floor. this is hub on floor in pain.  he hurt his back at work, lifting an air handler out from a closet.  he limped around until the back finally said ENOUGH and forced him down.  for a week he couldn't sit, couldn't stand for more than a couple minutes, and i had to drive him to doctor's appts while he lay down in the back of the 'burban.  today he went back to work, still limping, still unable to stand for long or even sit straight.  i will try not to spend the day worrying about him.

:o\

on another note, look at those buns.  them are some might-T fine buns!

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3rd Planet { this song bleeds me }

This song makes me cry. It makes me think of our miscarriage in Dec. 2007. Several lines just stab my heart: "And baby cum angels fly around you,Reminding you that we used to be three and not two"

and

"Well, the 3rd had just been made and we're swimming in the water.
Didn't know then, was it a son, was it a daughter?"

and when we lost our house:
"Everything that keeps me together is falling apart"

This song just moves my old pain around a little bit, and that's okay. It reminds me that I'm okay now. Those events changed me. Oh, they changed me. But that's okay. Sometimes life is about destruction. I will LIVE until i die.

Now listen.



3rd Planet

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart,
I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fuck!ng people over.
My boss just quit the job,
Says he's goin' out to find blind spots, and he'll do it.
The 3rd Planet is sure that they're being watched,
By an eye in the sky that can't be stopped,
When you get to the promised land,
You're gonna shake that eye's hand.

Your heart felt good.
It was drippin' pitch and made of wood.
And your hands and knees,
Felt cold and wet on the grass beneath,
While outside naked, shiverin', looking blue,
From the cold sunlight that's reflected off the moon
And baby cum angels fly around you,
Reminding you that we used to be three and not two,
And that's how the world began.
And that's how the world will end.

Well, the 3rd had just been made and we're swimming in the water.
Didn't know then, was it a son, was it a daughter?
And it occurred to me that the animals are swimming,
Around in the water in the oceans, in our bodies,
And another had been found, another ocean on the planet,
Given that our blood is just like the Atlantic, and how.
Well, the universe is shaped exactly like the earth;
If you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were.
And the universe is shaped exactly like the earth;
If you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were.
And the universe is shaped exactly like the earth...

Your heart felt good.
It was drippin' pitch and made of wood.
And your hands and knees,
Felt cold and wet on the grass beneath
While outside naked, shiverin', looking blue,
From the cold sunlight that's reflected off the moon
And baby cum angels fly around you,
Reminding you that we used to be three and not two,
And that's how the world began.
And that's how the world will end.

Well, the 3rd had just been made and we're swimming in the water.
Didn't know then, was it a son, was it a daughter?
And it occurred to me that the animals are swimming,
Around in the water in the oceans, in our bodies,
And another had been found, another ocean on the planet,
Given that our blood is just like the Atlantic, and how.
Well, the universe is shaped exactly like the earth;
If you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were.
And the universe is shaped exactly like the earth;
If you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were.
And the universe is shaped exactly like the earth...

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart,
I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fuck!ng people over.

100.5 lbs / 19.0% I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

I'm pretty surprised to find I've lost weight and body fat during my 5 weeks of debauchery in Virginia.  I did a lot of partying, but i also did a lot of eating right and running.  I didn't eat out as much as i thought i would, and when i did, i somewhat behaved (hehe).  X Lounge is my new favorite diggs in Hooville.  Good people, good food, excellent drinks, comfy couches, dance floor. 

OH, Virginia. 

I had

The Time

of

MY LIFE!

See you again soon  ;)

flight delayed insanity

might just have to fire airtran! for realzes, the plane that was supposed to take us from RIC to ATL was late enough to make us miss our connection to PHX, so we stayed in Richmond last night...and had to pay for the hotel ourselves.  AirTran can suck it.  that's all i'm saying.  i was so looking forward to being snuggled up to Todd in our own cozy bed last night.  i was pret-T pizzizzled at having to stay, but after a short tantrum, decided to make the best of it.  the kids and i went out to eat and partied like rock stars.  now i'm wifi-ing and getting ready to workout in the fitness room.  oh, and i'm so looking forward to that free apple for breakfast.  whoo hoo!

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