Work and Shenanigans { Not Necessarily in That Order }

Let me start by saying that these two are trouble:  ( love them! )

and this guy...he speaks for himself!

and somehow, the photo i shot after hours in the Saloon turned out pretty nice:

If I Was Your Girlfriend...

i love love love that song, and found the Eels (one of my fave bands) doing it (long ago).   SHUT UP!  Who knew?

PAY ATTENTION TO THE LYRICS!  Seriously, i still sing this in the shower.  Sooooooo effing awesome!

Does God Exist?

I love the last point!  I wish more religionists could accept that!

103.5 / Slow Going

I know i'm only starting Day 4 of weight loss and i've lost 2.5 lbs., but it seems to be taking so long to lose weight this go round. I know that's silly, and that i'm being spoiled and impatient, but damn! I just want to get there, be there, stay there for a minute and move on. I'm not enjoying the process this time like i did the first time. I had more to lose that time and i had a very clear goal--i wanted to look good in Virginia. Hehe! Now, meh. I don't so much care. I need a goal.

So, that's my goal for today: find my reason for losing the spare tire.

104 lbs / Day Two SUCKS It! { and Wear Purple Today! }

Shew!  I had forgotten how miserable day 2 off sugar is for me.  I am a tried and true sugar addict and getting off the smack is really painful for me.  Day 2, for some reason, is always the worst.  I suffered yesterday, wanting chocolate and cake and ice cream.  GAH! 

I seriously contemplated just caving in, saying F*#! it and eating sugar.  I alllllmost got to a place in my head where i didn't care if i was puffy with carb-bloat (carbs make me retain water like mad) or if my gut hangs over my pants.  Then i sighed, planted my feet, and decided i'm not quite ready to have a closet full of mumu's.  Yet. 

To compensate (and comfort myself), i ate about 150 more calories (healthy food) than i normally would while losing weight.  Hence, only losing 1/2 lb in the last 24 hours.  Still, that's nothing to bark at.  I'll take it.

I'm not exercising during this round of weight loss.  No particular reason, just laziness.  Plus, exercise isn't necessary to lose weight with SPEED.  Gotta love that!

On another note:  today, in honor and remembrance of kids (and adults) everywhere who have taken their lives because they were bullied for being gay (or being perceived as gay), please wear purple, which stands for "spirit" on the rainbow flag. 

To those of you who believe gay people CHOOSE to be gay and continue putting that idea out there and CAUSE BULLYING because of the beliefs you try to force on the rest of the world:  SHAME ON YOU.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." (The Declaration of Independence)

Sadly, there are people in this great country who feel that gay people shouldn't have the right to pursue happiness, again attempting to force THEIR beliefs on the rest of humanity.  How very, very tragic.

106 lbs (104.5) / 22.2% { and multi-Bryce Extravaganza }

'Kayso, i go through phases where i'm in such a celebratory mood that i do just that--celebrate!  Daily!  And how do we Americans celebrate?  With food (and drink, but mostly food)!  Especially sugar!  Wheeeeeee! 

So, long story short:  I fell off the low-carb wagon for a month or so (okay, maybe even 2), gained 4 jiggly, clothes-tightening lbs., and decided that's enough. 

I climbed (bitching and complaining) back onto the ole low-carb wagon and IN ONE DAY am down to:

104.5 lbs. 

Yep, i'm down a lb and a half in one day. 

I'm tellin' ya... http://speedweightlossbook.com/ 

And in other news...Bryce was sitting on my lap yesterday looking at old pics on Facebook and he came across a multi-shot of Todd sitting on the couch.  "Ooooo three daddies!" he exclaimed.  I asked him if he wanted a 3-Bryce photo and he jumped off my lap and planted himself on the couch, sitting and waiting quiet as a hamster while i got my gear ready.  That little monkey just cracks me up.  We ended up doing a 4-Bryce photo:

 Click to make it biggah!

4 Years Since D-Day { Allie, I Love You }

It's been four years since Allie was diagnosed with the auto-immune disease called type 1 diabetes.  This has been a rough year, with several trips to the hospital for DKA. 

I was just looking back through old posts about D and the one below brought back so many chilling memories; i can't belive we've made it this far.  It hasn't gotten any easier; i've only gotten a bit more numb.

http://crapstain.blogspot.com/2008/08/we-may-love-glucagon-but-we-love-emts.html

I still have days that make me hide in my closet and cry for Allie and all she goes through with this disease.  She didn't choose it.  She didn't cause it.  There's still no cure.  All we can do is move forward the best we can.  It's hard. 

I'm still in pieces...shattered and untied:

I Can't Tell You This Story { It's Funny/Mildly Embarrassing }

But i will anyway.  TMI alert!

So, Todd got snipped about a month ago.  We came home from the procedure with lots of paperwork, including instructions on having "emissions" tested to make sure we had attained a state of non-baby-makingness.  The paper said to bring a "sample" to the doctor's office after 20 "emissions" for lab testing.  If that sample came back clear, then 2 weeks later we would submit another, and if that also came back clear, we would be considered ready to roll!

Well, 20 times?!  We wanted to get our all-clear as quickly as possible, so we worked our butts off to make it to 20.  (Not that i'm complaining; hard work is good for ya! ;o)  And so, Friday we took our sample in to the doctor's office and told the receptionist we had a sample to drop off.  She and the nurse who was standing beside her looked at us all confusey-like. 

I raised my eyebrows hopefully. 

The receptionist tapped away on the computer and said, "Ooooh.  You don't bring that in until after your follow-up appointment (which is next week).  The doctor will give you a container...." 

Embarrassment aside and sheepishly grinning, i plead, "But we worked so hard!" which made the nurse giggle.

I looked at Todd, hoping he'd think of something to say to make them just kindly take our sample anyway.  He had nothing.  He made a funny comment and we left the building, sample in tow.

I don't even want to contemplate the conversation that followed between the nurse and the receptionist.

Douchey

I love that word.  Douchey.  It comes out sounding so...clean.  No pun intended, i swear.  It just rolls so pleasantly off the tongue. 

Douchey.

Come on, say it with me...

Douchey.

Out loud, come on...

Douchey!

Again!

Douchey!

Doesn't that just make ya...happy?

Douchey!

Why Hello Kitty Has No Mouth

Hello Kitty perportedly has no mouth so that people can apply their own feelings to her.  So, if you're feeling downtrodden and need a comiserator, Hello Kitty is your...kitty.  And if you're giddy with excitement, so is Kitty White! (That's her nickname, by the way). 

And today, i am a mouthless face like Hello Kitty.

This is me:

:

When You Come Across an Atheist.... { caution: f-bomb }

Apparently atheists are crotchety old goats in bathrobes, holding cups of (oh no!) coffee.  As the (please say you're fucking kidding me) Spiritual Safety Tip poster says, you should avoid talking to these "poor lost souls."  Hey, i have a better idea!  LET'S BURN THEM AT THE STAKE!

Nah, religion's not dangerous.  It doesn't promote hatred or fear.  There are no hypocrisies involved in practicing religion.  Religious folk are tolerant of both other religions AND those who choose NOT to subscribe, right?  All the time and money spent on making stupid shit like the poster below is perfectly justified, right?  It's for the protection of our children, should those goat-like old atheists lash out at them!

Last time i checked, "freedom of religion" also meant freedom FROM religion if one so chooses.  Freedom from a god of any sort, as a matter of fact.  But fear is a powerful weapon and as long as religious leaders are serving up heaps of it to the masses, we will continue to see idiocies like this poster and millions of dollars will be spent by various religious organizations to ensure people remain fearful of those who are "different."  

Sounds very loving and kind, doesn't it?  (Yes, i'm dripping with sarcasm; it's part of the healing process.  Someday i may repost this, but say it nicely and more straight-forward.  Until then, sarcasm is what's for dinner!)

Great Quote from Brigham Young

‎"If there ever comes a day when the Saints interfere with the rights of others to live as they see fit, you can know with assurance that the Church is no longer led by a Prophet, but a mere man." - Brigham Young

Randomosities

A photograph should not make a cute, slim girl look like she gained 20 lbs overnight.  I'm just sayin'...yikes.

Caramel/vanilla marshmellows are okay.  Just okay.

It's not so bad driving a small car.  I'm lessening my dissonance with the justification:  "I'm leaving a smaller carbon footprint." 

I haven't had lasagne in FOREVER and that's what's for dinner!  Mmmmm.

Tomorrow i'm having a business/pleasure lunch with one of my bff's.

I'm considering a Peter Murphy marathon. 

Menopause still sucks.

I'm going to NoLa next month; it'll be my first time back since Katrina.  I hear it's better there now, not so many crackheads on the streets, and generally cleaner.  Two or three friends are meeting me there to play before our photog shin-dig.  I should lose a few pounds beforehand to make room for pralines and bread pudding (note to self). 

And that is all. { at least for today }

Maybe I'm Just Bad at Reducing Cognitive Dissonance

From WikiPedia:

"Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions.^[2] Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying. It is one of the most influential and extensively studied theories in social psychology."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance  <--read more here; it's pretty fascinating.

I think the feeling i described in yesterday's post about just feeling "wrong" in that church was just that:  cognitive dissonance.  And i did play the justification game for a lot of years.  So glad that's over!  C.D. also pretty much covers why members of that church try so hard to come up with rationalizations for why people leave.  They will never accept the real reasons; too much dissonance in that!  And that's also why they can't allow themselves to believe we who leave are more happy than ever before.  It's kinda sad.  I feel sad for them.

I'm going to leave you with a quote { to ponder } from one of my favorite movie characters, Lester Burnham from American Beauty (one of the best movies ever made):

 I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry, you will someday.

Utah Suicides

After yesterday's post, i looked into the Utah suicide rate.  It only confirmed the fact that i lived with blinders on for so long.  I had heard that LDS church members in Utah were big into plastic surgery (always have to strive for perfection, after all), and now i'm hearing more and more about the suicide rate in Utah. 

You can read an article from Deseret News (2007) here:
http://www.affirmation.org/news/2007_054.shtml

Many parts of Utah are in the 90th national percentile for suicides.  That is astounding. 

And now i'm going to rant a bit, because i need to let it out.  If reading about why i left the lds church would offend you, then stop here.  My intention is not to offend, only to let out what needs to get out.  Like i've said before--expecting me to not talk about something that was part of my life for 19 long years just because you don't like what i'm saying is ridiculous. 

So, anyway....

I got a message a few days ago from someone in one of my old wards who must've just found out i'd left that church.  She hoped i would someday find happiness.  I tried to explain to her that i've found it, but i don't think many inside that church are capable of comprehending there is SO MUCH happiness, love and peace in the real world.  But the part that freaks me out is this:  i told her that since leaving, the almost daily desire to off myself has gone away.  It has, it really has.  I didn't realize just how bad it was until i started typing this post.  I was in a really sad state.

Inside that church, they would say that "Satan" tempts and harasses faithful members of that church and that's why i felt suicidal.  That's such an easy (albeit ridiculous) answer to every little dark cloud that passes over that church or its members.  The reality is more like this:  trying to fit myself into that little box was slowly killing me.  Trying to force myself to believe hurtful things (like that homosexuality is an "abomination," or that gay people can be "healed" from homosexuality, or that in the "Celestial Kindgom" women will be even more baby-making machines than they're supposed to be here on Earth) was killing me.  Trying to convince myself continually that people aged 19 or 21 should hurry up and get married, or that Joseph Smith was a prophet after learning that the Book of Abraham had been translated (thank you, Rosetta Stone!) and was actually the Book of Breathings, and dealing with the constant judgement that goes on inside that church was killing me slowly.  The constant twisting of scripture (tell me if you'd like examples!) was killing me. Because i could FEEL the WRONGNESS of it, at the same time i was hypnotized and pacified by it and constantly "encouraged" to testify of it's truth.

What gets me is how happy people are when they get a "day off" from going to church.  I saw posts about it on Facebook over conference weekend.  If you hate going, why go?  If you hate your calling (i could name sooo many members who have "confessed" to hating their callings, or their husbands' callings), why put yourself through that?  If you realize that church is sucking the life out of you, why go?  Why do something that makes you so very unhappy?   And all the while, have to continually try to convince yourself that you're happy.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, i already know the answer you've been taught.  I was taught it, too. 

I choose life.  I choose happiness--real happiness.  And if that means that i get dirty looks at a funeral (yes, i did) or that i lose business because members shun those who leave (yes, many do), then so be it.  At least i'm living honestly.

My sincere, heart-felt hope is that those who need to wake up and find love, peace and happiness, can and will.

Driving in Second Gear { Updated! Hope for the World! }

Yesterday our transmission went the way of the Sasquatch and became a legend.  Okay, not really.  It just died a little.  Okay, a lot.  We can now only drive in 2nd gear.  Driving in second gear kinda sucks.  I mean, we're still moving forward, but at such a ridiculously slow rate. 

Funny, that was my life for so long.  When i subjected myself to being told how to feel, what to think and believe, and what was right and wrong, it was impossible to move forward at a pace consistent with where human intellect should be in 2010.  I was living in 2nd gear.  And it felt wrong.  So very wrong.  There were certain things i KNEW in my heart, like:  gay people do not choose to be gay.  They are born gay, just as certainly as i was born straight.  Aside from the fact that it should be common sense, i knew it in my heart.  I feel it in the quiet moments of reflection and when i'm consumed with love for humanity. 

It doesn't matter that science can prove it (and they have: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/111663.php), or that gay people can so eloquently state it (and they do: http://charlie-itsnotpersonal.blogspot.com/2010/10/love-is-not-morally-wrong.html); what matters is that when i'm thinking in a loving space, i know it. 

I believe religion is one of the most stifling, repressive and dangerous creations man has ever thought up.  When i think of how many people have committed suicide because they were told who they were was wrong, or an "abomination" or that they can choose to be something they are not, it breaks my heart.  It hurts me, as a caring and loving human being. 

People, wake up!  The world will not fall apart if you learn to think for youself, despite what you've been told.

UPDATE:  just read this and now have hope for many in the world: http://blog.beliefnet.com/flunkingsainthood/2010/10/lds-apostle-boyd-k-packer-is-wrong-about-homosexuality.html