Dreams and { Missed the Boat }

I just woke up from a much-needed nap wherein i dreamed of my momma's southern cookin':  chipped-beef gravy, fried green tomatoes, mashed potatoes and gravy, the way she smooshes bacon as it fries, so it stays flat and gets nice and crispy.  But especially the chipped-beef gravy.  It's worth dreaming about.

I've had food on the mind all day; not sure why.  I've been day-dreaming about Thanksgiving dinner for several hours.  I can taste the stuffing, dripping with gravy.  I'm sure it's all symbolic of the comforts of home.  Such a big part of me wants to be packing boxes for a move back home to Virginia.  Todd and i hoped it would happen in October, but too many bills and other necessities have come up and our savings is (as usual) non-existent.  Plus i just signed a commercial photography contract for an event on November 20, so i know we'll still be here to honor that. 

Oooohhhhhh Virginia.  You're so near me, i can feel the weather getting ready to change to fall.  I can smell the country air and see the dappled light streaming through canopies of trees as i drive along twisty, winding roads, up and over hills, beside long fences lining farmland.  I'm trying so hard not to have regrets.  Todd is trying, too.  He blames himself that we're stuck in the brown dirt, but it's not his fault. 




while we're on the subject, could we change the subject now?
i was knocking on your ear's door, but you were always out
looking towards the future, we were begging for the past
well we know we had the good things but those never seemed to last
oh please just last

everyone's unhappy, everyone's ashamed
well we all just got caught looking at somebody else's page
well nothing ever went quite exactly as we planned
our ideas held no water but we used them like a dam
oh and we carried it all so well
as if we got a new position
oh and i'll laugh all the way to hell
saying "yes this is a fine promotion"
oh and i'll laugh all the way to hell

\of course everyone goes crazy over such and such and such
we made ourselves a pillar, we just used it as a crutch
we were certainly uncertain at least i'm pretty sure i am
well we didn't need the water, but we just built that good goddamn

oh and i know this of myself
i assume as much for other people
oh and i know this of myself
we've listened to more of life's end gong than the sound of life's sweet bells
was it ever worth it was there all that much to gain
well we knew we'd missed the boat and we'd already missed the plane
we didn't read the invite we just danced at our own wake

all our favorites were playing so we could shake shake shake shake shake
tiny curtains opened and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
a tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all them folks
and drifting around on bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
when we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

oh and we carried it off so well
as if we got a new position
oh and we own all the tools ourselves
without the skills to make a show with
oh what useless tools ourselves

Let's Just Call It Crazy, and Call It Good

So, the latest word from the old 'hood is that i've lost my mind.  It cracks me up that there are people from the old 'hood who make sure i know everything that's being said about me back there.  I don't ask, and really, i don't care, but the information keeps streaming in.  { To my adorably sweet sources:  really, you don't have to tell me any more of it; i honestly don't give two poos.  Let them gossip 'til theirs hearts are "content." }

I've always been a compassionate and understanding person.  I can understand why certain people are upset with me right now.  I've learned some very serious and disturbing things and no longer believe what they believe.  When you base your entire life around something, and someone says that certain something isn't true, it's can feel like you're being told that *you're* not true.  It can mess with your head--a lot!  I can understand that. 

What amazes me is the amount of denial some people have to live with in order to believe what they do.  They don't bother to check FACTS, they just write off things they hear as hysteria or gossip or untruth created by "haters."  I'm so grateful that i finally decided to find out the truth for myself. 

If you need to call me crazy in order to continue living comfortably with your beliefs, feel free!  I know who i am; and i know who you are.  And i don't hold that against you. 

Cheers!



We have one chance.
One chance to get everything right.
We have one chance, one chance.
And if we're lucky we might.
My friends, my habits, my family, they mean so much to me.
I just don't think that it's right.
I've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again and go off sinkin'.

I'm just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box in a cage.

Didn't mean to laugh,
didn't know I had,
didn't know the better part of what you said,
'cause in your head you are not home.
Didn't get the joke,
didn't mean to poke another,
just to save myself from some something, something or another one.
Well walk home.

I'm just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box in a cage.

We have one chance, one chance to get everything right.
My friends, my habits, my family, they mean so much to me.
I just don't think that it's right.
I've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again and go off sinkin'.

Playing With My BFF

What do you do on a Saturday night when the hubster is supposed to be resting { after a minor surgical procedure }, the teens are occupied, the small fry's asleep and you don't feel like watching movies or reading?   You play in the studio, of course!  I've been training Todd here and there--not nearly as much as i should be.  We went over lighting last night.  I wish i could say it was super fun for Todd, but i'm a mean teacher, so....

Click to see it biggah!

Congratulations

I woke this morning to an email from Andrew VanWyngarden himself (i'm so fantasizing here) telling me they'd just released the new video for Congratulations. Just for me. But I'll share it with you. (Click over to YouTube to see it biggah!)



Miller&Miller Photography

Did You Ever Have One of Those...

...bad hair bill days?  One where you have an ambulance transport bill (9 miles from one hospital to the next) for $978 and an electric bill for $615?  Oh, and you haven't even made the car payment yet?  And the latest hospital bill will be arriving any day now? 

I love those days!

A Thousand Laughs for You! { John Leguizamo }

About 500 years ago, i had HBO and John Leguizamo's Freak came on.  I loved him already, but after seeing this, i was officially all up in love. 

This video is rated R. 

This is part 1...there are several.  It's one of the funniest and most interesting life stories i've ever seen performed. 

Enjoy!

Harry Potter Weekend

Harry Potter is one of my favorite stories of all time. Did you know there are 4,175 pages in the Harry Potter series books? And around 1,000 different characters? Not to mention all the events, places, fights with Lord V., school happenings, spells and herbs, etc.


I do not know how J. K. Rowling spewed all that forth from her mind and kept track of it all. But the human brain is a very, very capable thing and some people have amazing imaginations.


I love it when ABC Family has a Harry Potter weekend.  I love lying in bed with munchies and drinks (with straws, of course) and watching Harry Potter.  I don't know why it's so special to me, since we own all the movies and can pop them in whenever we want.  There's something about it being on t.v.  Must be lingering anticipation from my childhood, of waiting for the World Premier of a movie to show on t.v., before we could buy movies and have them at the push of a button.

Blame it on the Tetons

Okay, seriously. I've run into a Mouse fan here or there and it's always the same upon discovery: we pause to look deeply into one another's eyes, share a moment of absolute unspoken understanding, hold a moment of silence for the awesomeness (in the truest sense of the word) that is Modest Mouse, then go about life a little happier because we know one more person in the world who Gets It.

This isn't a video; it's just the music, so scroll down and soak up those lyrics.





Blame it on the Tetons

Blame it on the Tetons
Yeah, I need a scapegoat now
No, my dog won't bite you
Though it had the right to
You ought to give her credit
Because she knows I would've let it happen

Blame it on the weekends
God, I need a cola now
Oh, we mumble loudly
Wear our shame so proudly
Wore our blank expressions
Trying to look interesting
Blame it all on me because
God, I need a cold one now

All them eager actors
Gladly taking credit for the lines created
By the people tucked away from sight
Is just a window from the room we're bound to
If you find a way out
Oh, would you just let me know how?
Would you just let me know how?

Blame it on the web
But the spider's your problem now
Language is the liquid
That we're all dissolved in
Great for solving problems
After it creates a problem
Blame it on the Tetons
God, I need a scapegoat now

Everyone's a building burning
With no one to put the fire out
Standing at the window looking out
Waiting for time to burn us down
Everyone's an ocean drowning
With no one really to show how
They might get a little better air
If they turned themselves into a cloud

I Am Grateful For Science

Back in college, in PSY 101, i learned about the five stages of grieving.  I've been thinking on them a bit the last few days.  If you're not familiar, you can check them out here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

First is denial, the "This can't be happening" phase. 
Then comes anger:  "WHY?"
Next is bargaining:  "I'll do anything for this not to be happening."
Then depression:  "What's the point?"
And last, acceptance:  "Everything will be okay." 

Knowing that last stage will come, when we studyable humans reach that point of acceptance and know that everything will be okay, gives me comfort.  I've unconsciously done those five stages so many times in my life I could have been a case study for EKR herself.  And that's a good thing.  I like fitting into the human mold.  And I like the comfortable assurances of science.

You Didn't Actually Think Mouse Fest Was Over, Did You?

This is kinda how i feel about living in AZ right now, and particularly in San Tan Valley.





These walls are paper thin


And everyone hears every little sound

Everyone's a voyeurist, they're watching me

Watch them, watch me right now

They're shakin hands, they're shakin in their shoes

Oh Lord, don't shake me down

Everyone wants two of them

And half of everyone else who's around

It's been agreed, the whole world stinks

So no one's taking showers anymore

LAUGH HARD IT'S A LONG WAYS TO THE BANK

I can't be blamed for nothin' anymore

It's been a long time since you've been around

Laugh hard it's long ways to the bank

Toe the line to tax the time, you know

That you don't owe

I can't be a fool for everyone that I don't know

These walls are paper thin

And everyone hears every little sound

Everyone's a voyeurist, they're watching me

Watch them, watch me right now

They're shakin hands, they're shakin in their shoes

Oh Lord, don't shake me down

Everyone wants two of them

And half of everyone else who's around

It's been agreed, the whole world stinks

So no one's taking showers anymore

LAUGH HARD IT'S A LONG WAYS TO THE BANK

Tow the line to tax the time, you know

That you don't owe

I can't be a fool for everyone that I don't know

{ Sorrow }

Sometimes pain is so enormous, it's too much to write about.  And sometimes the grief and sorrow someone is experiencing is too much to write about publicly.  Friends of mine are suffering unspeakable pain and sorrow right now.  To me, it's seems a sort of private thing, when someone's suffering so profoundly, and so I won't mention details or names.  Instead, i just want to put some of the pain on this page in hope that it somehow siphons away some of their pain.  I believe that when someone is filled to overflowing with pain and they have at least a billion tears to shed in the process of healing, every tear we (as friends, family, concerned human beings) shed with or for them takes away that many tears they'll have to shed themselves.  When we can somehow share that pain with them, it helps them heal.  That is what I believe.  I will continue to cry with and for them; i will siphon away as much pain as i can.  So many in the community are doing the same.  Human kindness transcends race, religion, politics and any other beliefs when it's truly needed.  I'm grateful for that.  

When i was 19 or 20, i discovered a book by Kahlil Gibran called The Prophet and i've owned a copy every since.   In the last 21 years, whenever i'm experiencing deep sorrow, i turn to the chapter on Joy and Sorrow.  I'm going to put the entire thing here:

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall. 

And this song by Tori Amos keeps looping through my head.  Whether you're religious or not, it's just a soothing song:   { Star of Wonder }   

Star of Wonder

We three kings are coming again
Bearing gifts from the East
From the East

Some say a star will rise again
In the hearts of humankind
Some say we have been in exile
What we need is solar fire

Star of wonder, star of night
Star of royal beauty
Westward leading, still proceeding
A star
A star of wonder

We bring gold and myrrh for him
From the East, frankincense
From the East

Some say a star will rise again
In the hearts of humankind
Some say we have been in exile
What we need is solar fire

Star of wonder, star of night
Star of royal beauty
Westward leading, still proceeding
A star

Star of wonder, star of night
Star of royal beauty
Westward leading, still proceeding
A star
A star of wonder
Of wonder.

There Might Be a Whip Scorpion in Your House If....

• You keep thinking you see something moving out of the corner of your eye and jump up on furniture in reaction
• You fear walking on whip-scorpion-colored carpet
• You stand back four feet from the washer and dryer, stretching and leaning to get the clothes in and out, just in case there's a whip scorpion hiding under there
• When entering a room, you pause to scan the floor for whip scorpions
• When sitting on the toilet, you keep your feet elevated off the floor in case a whip scorpion runs out and you're stuck there on the toilet, defenseless
• You see an actual whip scorpion run behind your dryer

Dear Whip Scorpion That Ran Under My Dryer:

I know it's ugly outside, but please find your way back out there.  I'm sure there are far more interesting things to eat out there, anyway.  It's your natural habitat.  Yes, I know you got screwed in that regard, but still.  Inside this house is my domain, and I must put my foot down.  If that foot comes down on you, I will crap my pants.  I have no intention of harming you { mostly out of fear } and hope that we can come to a peaceful agreement here. 

Sincerely,

s

An Extremely Well-said Post About Why Ex-Mos are ANGRY

If I bite your head off for trying to get me back to church, or if i sometimes make an angry post (please don't expect me not to--the Morgue was part of my life for 19 long years), here's a link to a really well-said post about WHY ALL THE ANGER.

http://marvelousblunder.blogspot.com/2009/02/angry-apostates.html

The Return of Bliss { Life Happens }

I can still feel small pockets of tension in my body from the events of the last few days, but for the most part, i'm relaxed.  I've accepted that Allie needs intensive treatment for non-compliance to her diabetes care { she's already having compliance issues again, and we're only one day home from the hospital } and other issues.  It breaks my heart, but it's life.  I accept it. 

When i came to that place of acceptance, i felt peace.  I felt bliss, even.  I was blissfully happy.  I will do what needs to be done. I will get through it.

Life happens. Find bliss along the journey. 

How to Age 7 Years Overnight

Have a teen daughter with type 1 diabetes who thinks she's invincible and lies directly at you when you ask, "Did you shoot for that {meal}?"  Have her continue for months and months, only giving a bit of insulin here and there...just enough to keep her alive and functioning, seemingly okay on the outside, all the while inside her body there is a battle raging, acid vs. base.  Have her body leach calcium from her bones to neutralize the acid in her blood caused by lack of insuilin, until finally the body says I GIVE!  And it can give no more.  Take her to the ER and then watch as she's hooked to IV's and later admitted to the hospital for 2 days.  Then find out that her bicarb was at 2 {should be over 20} and realize just how close a call this was. 

Then go home to get her some clean clothes and find things in her room you wish you hadn't.  Spend the day with social workers and counselors, then talk to residential treatment facilities.

Have your daughter hate you.  Yes, the one you've taken care of her whole life, the one you still take care of, the one you take shopping, the one you try to have a relationship with no matter how hard she tries to push you away.

Realize just how bad things are.

Then, after finding those 40 new wrinkles around your worried, tired eyes, stop.  Sit.  Be grateful for the small things, and that you're no longer surrounded by the judging, controlling eye and that you're free to FEEL and relate and EXPRESS and bitch and gripe if you want.

And count on things getting better.  They always do.

And These People Drive Cars.

A four-year-old male, neutered cat was found covered in oil and hot peppers during a traffic stop in NY.  The cat's owner, a freaking nut-ball, said the "ill-tempered" cat had gotten pregnant (after he was neutered). 

These people drive cars.  In public.  They live among us.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/08/10/cat-marinating-car-trunk-traffic-stop-new-york/

Seriously Crushing on Dan Sperry

Freaking yummy!  { and i'm not talking about the LifeSaver }
Howie, ya big dork, you took away from Dan's moment. He deserved some serious recognition after that trick!

Just Be

Bryce (age 4 as of this post) has developed a habit of starting words with "be." 

Besquito (mosquito)
Bemote (remote)
Behamburger (hamburger)
Becheetos (cheetos; they go with the hamburger, i suppose)

The list goes on.  I wonder if this is some cosmic message for us to all just BE.  Eh, whatever it is, it's pretty stinkin' cute!

The Story

The Story

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Automatic Joy { part deux }

• Good lighting
• Open-minded people
• Rotisserie chicken
• Books by Christopher Moore or Neil Gaiman
• Amaretto
• Cheese
• Allie's amazing personality and loving nature
• Zane's smarts and loving nature
• Bryce's laugh and silliness and loving nature

{ click to make it biggah }

Dunkin Donuts...Get Your Heads Outta Your Asses!

Okay, it's a double-post kind of day, because it was an eye-rolling kind of morning.

In celebration of The First Day of School (and first day of high school for my son), I took the kiddies to Dunkin Donuts before school.  As we perused the menu, I noticed the most assinine menu choices you could possibly imagine.  All thier "food" items are LOW FAT.  So, here ya go...have some unnatural foods like reduced-fat muffins (with tons of carbs by way of sugar and flour...which are what make you fat and not actual fat itself) and some nice sugared-up coffee (which makes you fat).  Have some egg-whites on a croissant, NEVER MIND that egg yolks DON'T MAKE YOU FAT but the CROISSANT DOES! 

Dunkin Donuts, really?

Hello, Monday! { and Weekend Recap }

The weekend was truly lovely.  Todd and i met and spent some time with a group of absolutely wonderful folks who made us laugh and think and feel hopeful that the world is indeed evolving { and that is so much nicer than simply revolving }.  Have you ever just instantly felt comfortable with a group of people and so you let yourself just...be yourself?  I felt that way.  I think Todd did, too, considering he just lay down on the floor a couple times { this cracked me up }.

School starts today for my two oldest kiddos.  We finished their school shopping this weekend (at least until they bring home The List of supplies that varies by teacher).  I have two kids in high school.  Weird.  I have one more year at home with Brycey and as much as i say i can't wait until he starts the big K, i know i'll be one of those silly bawling moms who hovers outside the classroom door on the first day.  Sigh.  I'm going to just enjoy every second of this year with my monkey-boy.

I'm going to call my mom a little later and resist the urge to tell her there's a 20x24 framed portrait of Bryce on it's way to her.  I suck at surprises; i always give them up.  The print's arriving Tuesday.  I think i can hold my tongue that long.  { i think i can.  i think i can. }  Now just to get Allie and Zane in front of the camera...no easy task.

This week is chock-full of much-anticipated events.  School today, haircuts tomorrow (gah, why did my hair girl have to move so far away?), a fun new item for our studio arriving Thursday (which means i'm going to need a test subject), a little surgical procedure for Todd on Thursday, R&R on Friday and a bit more of the same for the weekend, along with meeting more new peeps. 

Life is good.  I hope your week is filled with delicious things!

Oh HUH UH No! { and The World at Large }

In September ima be in the city where Isaac Brock lives, but he won't be there because Modest Mouse is on tour.  You may not see me for days.  I'm going away to sulk now.



The World at Large

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plane
Going to find another place, maybe one I can stand
I move on to another day
To a whole new town with a whole new way
Went to the porch to have a thought
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop
You don't know where and you don't know when
But you still got your words and you got your friends
Walk along to another day
Work a little harder, work another way
Well, uh-uh, baby, I ain't got no plan
Well I float on maybe would you understand?
Going to float on maybe would you understand?
Well, float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold
I like the autumn but this place is getting old
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most
The days get longer and the nights smell green
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave

I like songs about drifters, books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane
Walked on off to another spot
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want
Did I want love, did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights
Adding their breeze to the summer nights
Outside, water like air was great
I didn't know what I had that day
Walk a little farther to another plan
You said that you did, but you didn't understand

I know that starting over is not what life's about
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud

And that, my friends, is FREAKING GENIUS!

A Day in the Life

Every so often, i like to list out my day.  I used to do it in my written journals, but since i haven't written on paper (other than grocery lists) in just about forever, i thought i would do it here.  I like looking back on these things and comparing.  It's a good way to see if i'm heading in the right direction. 

So, right now, my days kinda look like this:

• Eyes pop open between 5 and 6 a.m. 
• I look over at Bryce, note the shape of his nose, how peaceful he looks sleeping (yes, still in our bed; i'm so not ready to let that go)
• I snuggle up next to Todd
• We turn on NBC news (because i love The Today Show, which comes on at 7)
• We talk about the day or whatever's on our minds
• We weigh ourselves and somtimes check body fat percentages
• Todd gets ready for work while i head to the computer to check email and sometimes blog
• If it's a running day, i force water down and do a 2-4 mile run (current pace ~9:35 mile) and sometimes lift weights
• If i have a JDRF ODST email assignment that day, i answer it immediately (i don't like to keep people waiting for answers to their questions about type 1 diabetes, especially those having a hard time with it)
• I check message boards or Facebook (no Fb today; decompressing)
• Work (editing photos or revamping something in the studio, usually)
• I wait for Bryce to wake up, then we read books together
• After books, Bryce watches toons while i clean the kitchen (i rarely do it at night; i hate doing it then)
• Bryce has breakfast, sometimes i do too.
• Allie and Zane sleep in like the teens they are...i'll see them in the afternoon (enjoy it, kiddos! skool starts in less than a week!)
• Bryce and i play Candyland and other games until i think i'll go bonkers and i tell him it's time to go play while i...
• ...read or work on a project (which is currently completely revamping our photog biz and working on a plan to move to Virginia; i'm really missing my mom lately--we're finally in a good place together, knock on wood, haha) or search the internet for the latest in Hello Kitty
• Lunch falls in there somewhere...we never have set times for eating; we eat when we're hungry
• Run errands with or without kids; sometimes fun things
• Todd gets home (which is usually pretty late in summer) and gets cleaned up
• We talk about our days; he always has a weird or funny story
• We often hang out in our bedroom closet, which has become our sitting room and has entertaining things in there (our weights are also in there).  Bwahahahahaha!  (Todd, i know this will crack us up in the future)
• Dinner (which Todd usually cooks, since we do mostly protein and i'm not a cooker of meats) and hanging with the fam
• Shoot a photo session, if scheduled
• Occasionaly let Allie drive us around (which is getting less scary)
• We try to watch some t.v.; had gotten out of tv for a while, but i find it very amusing and entertaining (much to the annoyance of tv snobs everywhere).   Our fave shows:  Lie to Me, Pushing Daisies, Dexter, Weeds, all those dance shows (Todd watches more just to hang out with me, i think), or we watch a movie (up next:  The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo)
• Private time
• Sleep
• Weird dreams; in the last, i was in Baghdad and was observing 3 women, one of whom took a crap in the middle of an alley.  i won't go into detail...tmi even for me and it was my dream.
• We do the hokey pokey and we turn ourselves around.  That's what it's all about.

Why I Miss Japan { and Newsflash }

For realzes, nothing is boring in Japan.  There's something to ignite the imagination at every turn.  Even the vending machines there fascinated me, and they didn't even have THESE when i lived there:

and besides all the man-made wonders of Japan, the { insert your belief-word here, i.e. "God-made" "nature-made" "Big-Bang-made" } are breathtakingly wondrous as well.  I miss the dense forests and coasts of Japan and the interesting flora.  I miss the hot springs.  I miss the brilliant colors of fall (very similar to New England's glam show) and the smell of mountain air.  I even miss the Osorezan (which i might be misspelling)--the sulphur lake where many believe the spirits of dead children dwell.

And here's the newsflash (which isn't a newsflash at all for those of you who actually know me {and some of the readers i've never met in person know me far better than some of my professed friends}):  Arizona is ugly to me.  Brown brown brown and brittle scrub everywhere i look is ugly to me. If you think Arizona is beautiful and you love it here, then great!  You're in the right place for you.  But i miss trees...big ones!  I miss canopies of leaves that come as unfolding green explosions in spring, shade me through humid summers, romance me with redyelloworange canvases in the fall and lie waiting on the ground in winter for me to satisfyingly crunch underfoot..  People are different and have different interests and tastes.  That's really not so hard to understand, is it?  Nope.  And if you're wondering what the hell this part of the post is really about, it behooved someone this week to tell me that my opinion of Arizona is wrong, that his is right (he's always right, mind you) and i'm simply "refusing" to see how beautiful it is.  Really?  This is not the year to tell me how to live, try to take away my "agency" or tell me what to think, people!  Really!  And this concludes my bout of getting annoyed at people.  From now on, i'm simply ignoring it.  Life is far too short to expend energy on that!

Just When You Think It Can't Get Any Better

Okay, i know, i know i know i know.  i've said it 400 times (this week alone) and i just have to say it again.  This man is the shizzle!  He cracks me up, he's weird as hell (Dev, you were right, thank goodness!), and i can't imagine living life without him.  Todd, i love hanging out in the closet with you and i love the private jokes we share.  i love the way you think and that i can say ANYTHING to you and know you're not gonna judge me--do you know how rare that is?  i seriously think you're the ONLY person i've ever truly been able to be completely myself with.  Do you know how freaking awesome that is?  i would not trade you, baby, not even for Andrew VanWyngarden or a vat full of Modest Mouse. 

Jane Austen Fight Club

You're Not Supposed to Know This

Am i the only one who thinks it's weird that the LDS Church's take on the fact that the papyrus from which Joseph Smith translated the Book of Abraham turned out to actually be Egyptian burial procedures (The Book of Breathings) is that the Book of Abraham isn't that important to Church members anyway?  Huh? The Book of Abraham isn't that important to Church members?  Wow, weird diversion technique, but i guess they have to use something.

http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/57738/The-Book-of-Abraham-The-larger-issue.html


And am i the only one who was heartbroken when i found out Joseph Smith had married 11 women who were still married to their own living husbands (who were conveniently sent out on missions)?  I was heartbroken!  No wonder it's not talked about in Church meetings!  There would be tears and all sorts of insane justifications.  Or, it would just be looked over and ignored because the Church will never lead you wrong, so there must be "some reason we will only understand in the next life." 

http://www.wivesofjosephsmith.org/

STILL think JS didn't practice polygamy (or treasure hunt or do any of the other wacky things denied by good members)?  Find out from Deseret Book for yourself:
http://deseretbook.com/Joseph-Smith-Rough-Stone-Rolling-Richard-L-Bushman/i/4983110

There is nothing "anti-Mormon" in the things i've just written.  You can check the links yourself, don't worry, you won't get in trouble--it's not anti-Mormon literature.  But if these things made you feel uneasy, you might want to ask yourself "WHY?"  If you got defensive when reading those things, or had to remind yourself that the Church is true, or felt a sudden need to bear your testimony, you might want to ask yourself "WHY?" 

If those things don't bother you, GREAT!  You're in the right place for you.  But they bother me.  A lot. 

And thank you to a dear friend who sent me a chatising email letter this week.  That forced me to take a good, honest look at what I believe.  I can no longer choose to "ignore in faith" all the things that made me question the Church in the past.  Honestly, i didn't care whether they were true or not, because the Church does a lot of good in the world and it filled a lot of the empty spots left over from my broken childhood.  But now i do.  I care.

P.S.  If the things i've written here make you uneasy, feel free to accuse me of being led by Satan.  That will make you feel better.