Finding Forgiveness in the Strangest of Places

I spent the last couple weeks completely absorbed in the HBO series, Big Love. The historical accuracy and portrayal of Joseph's church (both the original [currently known as FLDS] and the altered, modern-day [LDS] as well as some other splinter groups) was impressive. The show really moved me. It actually helped me get to a place i've been yearning to get to for the past few months, one of forgiveness and healing.

While i can't say i feel anything other than pity and empathy for the LDS people for being falsely led, it's a step up from the anger and blame i felt for so many months. I knew intellectually that it wasn't their fault they've been misled by a man with outrageous claims, but i had yet to reach an emotional place of letting it all go.

Big Love helped me do that. Healing can be found in the most interesting of places. Cheers to that.

Cheers to 2012!

A Bishop's Resignation Letter - So Well Said

http://stevebloor.wordpress.com/2011/12/18/letter-to-ward-members-re-resignation-as-their-bishop/

This letter really touched me. He handled finding out the truth a whoooole lot better than i did.

Hating the Sin but Not the Sinner / Hating the Mormon Church but Not the Members

I don't like carrying around negative emotions like hate and anger. And yet, i'm struggling to find a way to not hate the Mormon church. It's not likely that i'll ever like that church, but i don't want to hate it.  And i certainly don't want to hate it's members who are following and believing it because it's what they've been programmed from birth to do. "Follow the prophet, follow the prophet, follow the prophet, he knows the way!" It's not really their fault that their church destroys lives and families, so when a member of church engages in an argument with me about homosexuality and throws out that insulting and disgusting line: "I don't hate the sinner, just the sin," i need to remember to just hate the church and not the members. Right? Wait....

Another Gay Mormon ( LDS ) Suicide Attempt

A dear and much-loved friend of mine is lying in a hospital right now after swallowing two bottles of pills.

She is lesbian. She is not allowed at her parents' home because she's lesbian. Her father is a stake president in the mormon church. How embarrassing it must be for him to have an "abomination" in the family.

The rest of the family is invited to the parents' home for xmas, but not my friend. She decided to volunteer at a homeless shelter on xmas day instead, but as the days passed and xmas got closer, her will broke. I can imagine her pain as she thought of all her family (whom she loves and tries so hard to communicate with) spending the holiday together as she was excluded for being who she is.

Every child, no matter the age, wants, needs, and deserves unconditional love from their parents.

People with LGBT children/family: Go ahead and tell your child they can CHOOSE to not be gay. Shun them...that might fix 'em! Or maybe those bottles of pills will.

I'm trying to forgive Joseph and his long line of cronies for the lies, i really am. Things like this make it hard.

I think smoking in public should be banned, because it's proven to be bad for people. I feel the same about most religion.

Another One Bites the Dust

I've lost count of how many people i know whose spouse has left them because they found out the LDS church isn't true. A bishop "counseled" my friend's wife to leave him (despite the fact that they have a good marriage and children) because he (the hubby) found out the mormon church was founded on lies and deception and he can't be a part of it anymore. Rather than discuss with her husband the facts he's discovered (ever read Journal of Discourses, by the way? Scary shit!), the wife figuratively covers her ears and says, "NAHNAHNAHNAHNAHNAH." Childish or cultist? Yeah, okay, both.

What a sad shame.

On a positive note, though, there are marriages that have been saved because one spouse or both discovered the morg was a fraud. 

Why My Favorite Book at Deseret Book Store is Joseph Smith, Rough Stone Rolling

http://deseretbook.com/Joseph-Smith-Rough-Stone-Rolling-Richard-L-Bushman/i/4983110 

I wish this book had been written years ago; it would've saved me a lot of wasted time and money.  But this post isn't about my journey out of Mormonism; it's about why i like this book so much. 

The reason is that it allows some Mormons a graceful dismount from their high horses.  The information revealed about Joseph Smith in this book is more than the vast majority of LDS church members have ever heard, since it's potentially damning, and the church has always swept it under the rug, made excuses for it, or glossed it over in a way that causes members to not question.  (It's a dangerous thing, not questioning). 

Why are Mormons on the high horse in the first place?  Because they truly believe they're led by a prophet, that Joseph Smith saw god and Jesus (and in the book they'll find out there were various versions of the "First Vision" story until the most dramatic and impacting was settled on), and that they are RIGHT.  (They JUST BELIEVE...love that song, by the way).  What some of them don't really seem to believe, observing their actions, is their own 11th article of faith which states that everyone should be free to believe what they want, worship how they may, etc. 

And that leads me to my love of the book affectionately nicknamed "RSR" in some circles.  I had the great fortune of being part of a discussion group for the book.  The group included true, believing Mormons who are active in church and hold temple recommends; Mormons who no longer believe the doctrine but choose to remain members for the social or service aspects or family tradition or habit; and ex-Mormons who believe Mormonism to be fabricated. 

I found, at first to my surprise (although i understood it later), that some Mormons continue to believe their church is "true" even after learning much of the disturbing history of JS and his church's beginnings.  And among that group, many were truly humbled and far less self-righteous than before they knew more of the truth.  That is what i would hope for; that they will stop shoving their beliefs down the throat of the rest of the world.  Stop doing things like illegally funding campaigns for laws that breed hatred, fear and inequality (Prop 8, etc.).

I wish Mormons would pause for ONE minute and think, "Okay, what if it ISN'T true?  Would i vote differently?  Would i behave differently?  Would i believe gays have the right to marry (basic human rights?!)?  Would i keep my faith and practices to myself and my own family and let others live their lives as they see fit?"

I would hope there would be a graceful dismount from the high horse and a motion toward true humility.  Because going about with the mindset that WE ARE RIGHT BECAUSE GOD SAID SO and EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG is REALLY MESSED UP and it CAUSES A LOT OF DAMAGE IN THE WORLD. 

Strut That Ass!

It's a Bittersweet Symphony, This Life

I often ponder why it is that i still feel and receive guidance from what i use to refer to as "The Spirit," despite my atheist/humanist/pantheist beliefs.  But ya know what?  I don't care.  I don't need an answer (good thing, too, because there isn't one that can be proven).  I attribute it to this:  the Universe is a kind and loving place that conspires in our favor at all times, whether we ask it to or not, and whether or not a mere man (despite what title he has given himself) deems us "worthy" or not.

Friday i had a very difficult decision to make regarding the life of one of my children.  As i pondered the list of options, one of them stood out, almost magnified itself before my eyes, guiding me to choose it.  Stupid me that i am, i didn't choose it, but it chose me in the end, anyway.  That option manifested itself despite my moving forward on an option that was faster (though wouldn't have been better).

A person was led into my life recently, too, who has held my hand through the amazing difficulties i've faced with this situation; we wouldn't be in the good place we're in had he not been led to us (again, the Universe has to be thanked for that).

Thank you, Universe, god, flying spaghetti monster, big huge nothingness, cosmic consciousness or whatever else may be here.  You rock!  I love you hugely. 

Namaste.

Have You Ever Been in Love?

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."
(Neil Gaiman) "Rose Walker" in The Sandman #65

I Still Believe...it's you and me 'til the end of time....

And Then...

...there are those days that are so delicious and perfect you don't want them to end. This morning was one of those. Hoping for many more....

i just can't write

i've forgotten all my stories about virginia.  i'm totally consumed with what's going on here.  if you know about my private blog, i'll probably be writing about it there in the next few days.  i need to get it out.  and i need to get away.

i think i will.

in the meantime, here's a snap of Cathy and me, right after her shoot.  She looks lovely; i look unruly and gross.  just how it should be :)

VA in a Nutshell...

...cuz it's full of nuts. 

So, i'm driving up a country road with my momma one day, on our way back from the proverbial "town," and we pass a house where lives the not-so-neat-and-tidy children of the long gone owner who kept it immaculate and lovely.  Mom looks disapprovingly at the property, purses her lips and says,

"If Joe could come back and see what they've done to his place, he'd RE-DIE!"

(Joe is not his real name, btw.)

So, i start HOWLING laughing.  Re-die!  Oh my gawd.  Hysterical!

And now that i'm in the midst of one of the shittiest days of my entire life (don't ask, but you can guess who's the source of the shit-storm), i imagine my mom saying that and it perks me up from the little hell in which i'm currently dwelling. 

Thanks, Mom!

That's all for now.  More on Virginia later.  I've got hundreds of photos to edit for anxious customers.  On! On!

When i Should be Packing

So, i started breaking down my lights and modifiers and thinking about the best way to pack them, but got totally distracted and had realized i hadn't made a photo for my Self-Portrait Project lately. Or have i? Who knows. Anyway:

 

I won't be blogging much for the next week or so.  Miss me, k?  I'll miss you.

Coffee at Bedtime

Ready, set, ramble:

So i've really not been sleeping well lately.  Bryce, the vampire that he is, has been sleeping days and being up nights for...i dunno...weeks now, it seems.  He wakes me up several times throughout the night demanding food, attention, help with a broken toy.  All normal vampire boy things, but man...in the middle of my fragile sleep schedule?

He is currently sleeping.  He pulled a 17-hour waking shift and managed to fall asleep around 7:30 p.m.  So, what do i do, given this platinum opportunity to catch up on sleep?


I have a cup of coffee.

Einstein had nothing on me, really.  I think i'll go jot down some quantum shit and write a few haikus.

What.

And in other news:  my boyfriend, Peter Murphy, is playing in L.A. later this month.  I haven't seen him since he played the 9:30 Club in D.C. about 400 years ago.  Can't wait, can't wait!  I'm also seeing She Wants Revenge on the 16th (ish?).  Come on, you have to admit, this is one of the best songs EVER made:



Ever.

But lately i've really been digging Bent Self.  Check him out here: http://www.bentself.com/  It's been my photo editing music this week and is beginning to stick in my head, in a happy way.  It's dark; it belongs there.  If you don't immediately go fan him on Facebook, i can no longer be your friend.

Chris H., if you're reading this, yes, lunch at Milan!  Why are you not on Facebook?  That's how i organize my life.  I'll email you my cell # though, if i haven't already.

Okay then, that's the news from the 63 moons of Jupiter.

When Atheists Seek Converts Via Door Knocking

Door To Door Atheists Bother Mormons - Watch more Funny Videos

We're (Officially) Out! { and the cult mind/September 6 redux }

Yesterday as i pulled the mail from the mailbox, i noticed an increase in the average number of envelopes. Two envelopes from the Member and Statistical Records Division of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints presented themselves in the pile. { i could almost hear carnival music }

Even though i already knew what the letters would say, i hurried back to the house and opened mine at my desk. "This letter is to notify you that, in accordance with your request, your name has been removed from the membership records of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Should you desire to become a member of the Church in the future, the local bishop or branch president in your area will be happy to help you."

Todd's said exactly the same (as do they all).

The ordeal is over. We are officially looking in from the outside. But i'm glad for the experience on the inside. I've always been fascinated with cults and the cult mind. Although mostly a benign cult, it is a cult all the same. People are not allowed to think or question the word of the leaders. They are ostracized, shunned, "disciplined" or cast out when they do.

Which leads to the SHIT STORM that may be about to happen in the Morg.

Remember September 6? When six elite members of the Morg were excommunicated for bringing the truth about the church to light? No? Read here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/September_Six 

It turns out the church does NOT, as it claims, stand up to scrutiny.

Well, it's happening all over again, but in masses.  There are many "underground" groups of mormons who have, or have started to figure out that the church was founded on lies and continues in that tradition.  Others in these groups just flat-out disagree with doctrine or teachings of the Morg (the gay issues is a huge one).  Some of the groups include:  Mormon Think, DAMU (DisAffected Mormon Underground), Sunstone, New Order Mormon...and many, many others.  People are waking up!

The group under extreme scrutiny by the Morg right now is Mormon Stories (started by someone i'm happy to call a friend, John Dehlin).  John got called in for a "meeting" with local leaders.  Here is a man who, in the most loving and kind way (he really is more like Jesus than anyone i know), began to reveal the inaccuracies and controversies within the Morg.  (Morg = Mormon Organization, in case you were wondering).  John has been instrumental in helping thousands of members (mormons) get their heads and hearts straight about the church.  Some of these people concluded that, despite the fact that the Morg isn't what it claims to be, they still want to belong and can and will, and will do so KNOWING and accepting the controversial issues and all the other bad shit that went down/goes down.  Others were relieved to find out the truth and decided to leave for their own integrity.  (I'm with those; i can't support an organization with it's past or present). 

Anyway...let's just say that John Dehlin and Mormon Stories is HUGE in the Mo world.  Needless to say, the Morg is not super happy that it's dirty laundry is being aired, despite the loving way it's been done, or the intention of this particular airer.  So now John has been called in for a "meeting."  There's talk about excommunication, and if that happens to John, will it happen to his "followers" as well?  What about the other New Order Mormons or "Uncorrelated" Mormons out there?  Will they all be ex'ed?  That would mean a HUGE loss of numbers (and hence, money) for the Morg.  For that reason (they do so love their numbers and their money), I don't think they'll do a mass ex'ing.  And i don't think they'll ex John either, because a lot of people would leave the Morg if they slayed their hero. 

Plus, it would be bad press.  Although, the Morg has a culty way of ignoring bad press so the members blindly and robotically ignore it, too.  Baaaaaaaa!  I know...i was once one of them and baaaaaa'd right along with the rest. 

It'll be interesting to see what unfolds, that's for sure. 

P.S.  Gay people don't choose to be gay; they're born that way, just like straight people are born straight. 

P.P.S.  Gay people deserve love and respect.  They deserve the right to marry and have committed relationships. 

That is all.

Elders Visit Mrs. Brown

Ode to a Martini Drinker

{ a Fb friend posted this in one of our mutual groups yesterday; too funny...had to share.  I don't know who the original author is. }



Sold Cober

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the deuce you are I think?

I'm not under what they call,
The affluence of incohol.

I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheet.

Tee martoonis make a guy
Feel so dizzy, don't know why...

So pass the mixer and kill my fup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up!

The Voice - Yep, i Got Sucked In

and i LOVE this girl's voice:

Needs No Words...

-isms

Maybe i'm only annoyed b/c it's 4:30 a.m. and i've been awake since 2:30; i dunno.  I'm just uber annoyed right now that someone who is not my friend is using a shit-ton of my own personal -isms; using sandi-isms as if they were his to begin with.  AS IF!  Stop using my -isms, you non-friend!  I came up with them myself.  Use the ones that are public domain all you want; just leave mine out of it!

And this is my brain on over-tired.

Weird Dreams

Last week was fraught with weird dreams.  Some were too unpleasant to put here in detail.  The memory of them are fading, too, so i'm sure i would leave out some important and significant points.  In one of them, people were packed in a room so tightly that it leaves me now thinking about crackers in a box, and trying to make my way through them.  It was dark, that dream.  Both literally and figuratively. 

In another dream, i was pointing out to a friend that his wife had been incorrectly diagnosed and therefore couldn't get any actual help or healing.  I thought a more accurate diagnosis for her condition would've been Narcissistic Personality Disorder with a hint, perhaps of latent Histrionic Personality Disorder (although there was the sense that this would manifest more in the future).  (I've spent far too many years researching such things, really.)

The other dreams are too fragmented in my recollection now, so i'll skip them.  I really should've posted them when they were fresh; they were bizarre to the 10th!

Naughty

Don't get all excited; it's not about a naughty PERSON, it's my computer!  I clicked a virus link on Facebook while looking into FBML and my computer is pitiful right now. 

I'm considering wiping the hard drive and starting over fresh.  Sure wish i had someone here experienced in this sort of thing to hold my hand. 

I'm scared.

It's April?!

We're a week into April and i haven't blogged.  It's not that nothing's been going on; i just haven't felt like saying anything.

Plus i've been lounging around with a great book. It's the latest Sookie Stackhouse novel.  Gawd, i am so addicted.  I love the vampire storyline (of course, dammit) and the writer is just freaking funny.  I love her style. 

Before that one, i read The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman (thankies Lisa De, for giving me that book) and lo o o o o o o ved it. 

I have new toys to play with, photographically speaking.  I broke a light modifier last week and have replacement parts on the way (still under warranty...yeehaw!).  I got a portable battery for my lighting system yesterday; can't wait to try it out!  (Of course it rained the day it arrived, so i couldn't go out with it...

...but i have to admit, i loved the rain and loved being lazy in the house).

Time Warp

Ever since getting Bryce on a "normal" kid's sleep schedule (waking up before noon), i have far less time for blogging.  I'm so far behind on friends' blogs, it's shameful.  I'm caught up on the Self-Portrait Project, though, so i'll post a couple from that and say I LOVE YOU ALL and let's catch up soon!

 

I Have Met the Devil

He is here in the form of Clusterfluff ice cream.  Ben & Jerry are his minions. I'm not usually a big fan of peanut butter (i look at it and all i can think is "aflatoxin" which takes the fun out of it), but this ice cream is worth ruining my waistline over.  Peanut butter ice cream with caramel cluster pieces (i also don't like caramel, but they've done some crazy magic voodoo on it in here and it's hellishly good), marshmallow swirls and peanut butt swirls.  Helloooooo Kitty!

Fun at Your Expense

If you are my friend on Facebook and you'd like to say "fuck" in a comment, please feel free to do so.  Ignore messages from a raging, rampant Mormon who tells you how you should talk, then proceeds to insult your intelligence and mock you. 

Yes, that really happened yesterday.  But they don't judge you, or try to manipulate or control you.  You are free to live your life as you choose, because they take their 11th Article of Faith to heart.  To the Mo's who truly do practice non-judgment, kudos to you!  You are a rarity!

"In His infinite wisdom, our all loving creator has given us a path to ultimate knowledge that is readily manipulated, misinterpreted, and subject to emotional interference." -Michael D. Golobic

So, when i sent a message to this kind and compassionate Mormon (who "loves one another") and asked him why he was harassing my friend, his reply (and i am NOT shitting you) was:  "For fun."


This sort of bullying goes all the way back to Brigham Young, so it doesn't surprise me when it pops up.  And no, that mean streak is not so openly apparent in ALL members of the Morg, but i've seen it far too many times.

Here are some real gems from Brigham (my emphasis added):

“Suppose you found your brother in bed with your wife, and put a javelin through both of them. You would be justified, and they would atone for their sins, and be received into the Kingdom of God. I would at once do so, in such a case; and under the circumstances, I have no wife whom I love so well that I would not put a javelin through her heart, and I would do it with clean hands.... There is not a man or woman, who violates the covenants made with their God, that will not be required to pay the debt. The blood of Christ will never wipe that out, your own blood must atone for it.”

- Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, v. 1, pp. 108-109

“If you want to know what to do with a thief that you may find stealing, I say kill him on the spot, and never suffer him to commit another iniquity. I will prove by my works whether I can mete out justice to such persons, or not. I would consider it just as much my duty to do that, as to baptize a man for the remission of his sins.”

- Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, v. 1, pp. 108-109


“Now take a person in this congregation who has knowledge with regard to being saved... and suppose that he has committed a sin that he knows will deprive him of that exaltation which he desires, and that he cannot attain to it without the shedding of blood, and also knows that by having his blood shed he will atone for that sin and may be saved and exalted with the God, is there a man or woman in this house but what would say, ‘shed my blood that I may be saved and exalted with the Gods?’”

- Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, v. 4, pp. 219-220


“This is loving your neighbour as ourselves; if he needs help, help him; and if he wants salvation and it is necessary to spill his blood on the earth in order that he may be saved, spill it.”

- Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, v. 4, p. 220

The Breakup Dance { Painfully Beautiful }

I can't embed the video, so you'll have to go see it on YouTube, but it's so worth it to click over and watch. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YbEtfJryXA

My friend Michael posted this in one of our Facebook groups last night.  I literally cried watching it.  The choreography (thank you, Travis Wall) is amazing, and the dancers brought out the emotion so well.  The song fit perfectly, too.  I loved it all around. 

The Universal Stir { big-time F bomb warning for the clean-brained and brain-cleaned }

The Universe has got its finger in my pot, just a stirrin' away.  The past month has been just plain fucking weird.  Weird shit galore, i tell you.  Friends' loved-ones dying (x3), mind fuckery by people who claim to love me in the same breath as they dole out the mind fuckery.  Weird and unlikely loyalities from/for people that make ya stop and go "huh?"

Chaos is afoot.

It can only be good.

I think it means it's time to put some new ingredients in my pot.  It's time to switch things up.  And, as usual, if i don't get off my ass and do it myself, the Universe puts its big-ass finger in my pot and does it for me.

Thank you, Universe.  I love you!

Whaddaya Do? { edited }

What do you do when there's someone you care tons about, and this person has issues that prevent them (forgive my bad grammar, i'm just trying to be as non-specific as possible) from finding real happiness?  How do you tell them that all that drama is really not necessary, and neither is lying?  How do you convince them that they're lovable...capable of loving and deserving of being loved, when they obviously don't believe it?  What do you do when you see someone living from their childhood wounds and you just want to help them heal, but you don't know how?

I want to tell them the first step is being honest with yourself.  If you can be brave enough to be honest with yourself, it'll become possible to be honest with others.  That honesty will lead to trust.  That trust will lead to what you're looking for.

I want you to find that.  I hope that you do.



Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on their way.

Here's hoping that the days ahead
Won't be as bitter as the ones behind you
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on their way.

It's really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you've just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings,
I hope tomorrow you find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.

Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness
I know that better things are on the way.

I know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone, it's all been said.
So here's to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.

Excited About Life

After a bit of a rough spot over the past couple weeks, i've been getting pretty excited about life.  Honestly, sometimes (actually quite often), i can take it or leave it.  Lately, though, i feel an excitement brewing deep within me and bubbling its way up to the surface.

I like this.

And i've found a god i love.  Read about her here (in the Post Edit):
http://backrubsleadtofrontrubs.blogspot.com/2011/03/god-thinks-like-you-and-like-me-and.html

{ thank you, Amy, my darling, for that! }

and, just for a giggle, here's the photo from my AZ driver's license, circa 2004:

One More For Anthony

My daughter mixed this up and asked me to throw in on here for you:


http://soundcloud.com/allieg8tor/rubadubdubstepmix2

Bad Dreams

God, i had a bad dream last night.  It was dark and twisted and i got bad news that really freaked me out, then i was behaving all weird and the opposite of how i should've been reacting.  It was all quite bizarre and irrational.  You know dreams, though.  They sometimes make us aware of our internal conflicts.  And yowza, am i ever having internal conflicts right now. 

Worst part of the dream?  I was working retail.  In a clothing store.  With the person with whom i was in conflict.  I think he was my boss, too.  Pttth.

Love this Man! Why People Leave the LDS Church by John Dehlin

Music for Anthony

Skrillex: Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites:



Freestylers: Cracks (Flux Pavilion Remix):



Flux Pavilion: Voscillate (Roksonix Remix):



Darude: Sandstorm (Vaski Remix):



Harry Ft. Skrein: Medison (Bare Noize Remix):

Nature Moment { can't stop ROFL'ing }

The Sound of No Words (10,000 Butterflies)

Kayso, i can be kinda picky about music.  I like lyrics; i'm a word girl.  I like the emotion words evoke in me.  So, when i was challenged to "get" the emotion in a song with no words, i grumbled.  Finally, i relented, and listened.

Click to follow along:  http://gallery.me.com/o.liebert#100126

Coming from the strings of this single guitar, i heard a love story.  I felt the rising emotions that come with falling in love.  The newness, the unknown, the uncertainty, the deepening of emotions...tender feelings growing.

Then, it intensifies, the emotions swell.  It asks, what's next?

There are ups and downs, uncertainty, fear...then again, the tenderness.

A storm is building; darkness enters.  The tenderness struggles to find its way back to the light.  The darkness consumes.

The tenderness returns, because it always will.  This love can't be destroyed.  Even if it's hidden from view, it's still there.  There's a melancholy sadness about it, although it ends in hope.

Sometimes it seems hope is all that's left. 

But love always remains.

Rolling in the Deep

her voice! her voice!




.
The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling...
We could have had it all....

sprawled sleeping

I love this little monkey. More than I can say.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

i've been thinkin' about my doorbell; when you gonna ring it? { lol'ing at this commercial }

Thanks to Norm for posting this video first! :o)

Testing New Floor

Got a groovy new piece of flooring for foe toes. Whatcha think?

Baz Luhrmann meets Stanley Kubrick

really...doesn't this portrait make you think "Moulin Rouge" and "A Clockwork Orange?"  it's just disturbing enough to be inspired by Clockwork, but still has a Moulin feel to it.

Click to see it biggah.

Still Recovering from Vegas

Wish i could say more about that.

Anyway...i met and hung out with some of the most amazing and talented photographers in the country and caught up with old friends. 

I learned a new trick that goes something like this (clik for biggah):

aaaaand i lost a couple more lbs in Vegas.  Down to 104 and feeling (and looking) more like myself again.  At least until Thanksgiving....

Live from Las Vegas

I'm not loving Vegas at the moment. I'm exhausted, have barely been able to sleep, have no appetite and am running on adrenaline. It doesn't feel good. Just sayin'.

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The Three Things

Did ya figure them out?  You know, my three favorite things that i'm going to do while in Vegas?  Friends, photography and clubbing.  That was easy, right?!

This trip will be my official "moving on" from things i've been pointlessly clinging to.  It's time to let go, close the proverbial door and allow the next one to open.

Here's to old friends, lost friends, new friends, and found friends. 

Cheers!

It's Hard to Remember Our Lives are Such a Short Time { yes, i'm speaking through music this week in case you haven't noticed already }

i do that a lot, don't i?  i let music speak for me.  but the words, of course, aren't going to fit perfectly with what's going on in my life.  mouse comes pretty damned close a lot of the time, though.

this is my song about turning things around and coming out of the wicked nasty depression that's had me down all week.  "my hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself..." okay, not just from inside myself; there are definitely external influences that i allow to get me down.  i've had enough of them for now; i'm ready to move on.

in four days i'll be in another world (vegas, baby!) doing what i love most with some of the people i love most.  i'll leave all that open for interpretation, but if you know me, there are at least three things that top that list.  and i'm in need of all three after a week like one's been.

on! on!



LIVES

Everyone's afraid of their own life
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up
Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math
When you were alive
No ones gonna play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind?
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
Am I right? And it our lives
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
When it takes such a long time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witch
I like this
My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?

I Got All the Time for You { the space between }

.
You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The space between the tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between the wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?

These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like, will it rain today?
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies with warring hearts
What a wild-eyed beast you'll be
The space between the wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
Will I hold?

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like the Devil in a church
In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love is hope we don't take this ship down

But the space between where you're smilin' high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The space between the bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you

The rain that falls splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room
The space between our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand 'cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here, love is all we need, dear

The space between what's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The space between your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time

The space between
The space between

Paper Thin Walls

It's time for a good Mouse Fest. It's been a while. This song fits with my current theme (a need to escape; feeling caged and scrutinized).

I need to go, far and long.

Big Things

are coming this summer!  Can't say what, but will say it involves:

• a lot of time on the road
• photography
• a friend
• a trunk full of beef jerkey
• the wind in my hair

Just This One Day, Please

Please, just for this one day, let me sit alone in silence, with no demands from life, loved ones, friends, family, work, myself. 

This is something of a confessional, and even more of wishful thinking.

It's a common theme for me to just want to run away.  To pack a bag (a small, light one) and just go.  Somewhere, anywhere where no one knows me and i can wear dark sunglasses and a big hat and no one will recognize me.  No one will want anything from me.  No one will even know my name.  I will not have to speak.  I will eat nothing but mangoes, plucked fresh from a tree.  I will lie in the sand, book in hand, too drowsy to actually read it.  The warmth of sun is the only thing i will feel on my skin, waves and gulls the only sounds.

Just. One. Day.

Then again, i may never come back.  I was not made for growing roots.

I'm Scared

Not really; that's just the title of the self-portrait i did for this week's "photo club" assignment.

Click to see it biggah.

A Near Pefect 10

So i've been "nursing" a headache for almost a week now.  It's been hovering on the 1-10 pain scale between 3 and 5.  Last night it edged it's way up to a 6.  Then, in the middle of the night, i woke up with a near perfect 10.  If i didn't know better, i would've thought it was a migraine (but in reality, the rib in my upper chest is out again, which throws off my entire spine, especially the neck).  The pain was so intense it was almost paralyzing.  It was blinding.  I sincerely thought i was about to have an aneurysm or something.  I couldn't even speak.  After a minute, the pain knocked me out again.  I spent the remainder of the night in and out of consciousness, wracked with explosive pain in my head.

I finally fully woke just after 7.  Todd was in the bathroom, getting ready for work.  I managed to struggle out of bed to tell him i needed him to take me to the doctor (and since he doesn't get paid sick days, we're out half a day's pay on top of the doctor's bill...yay!).  Thank Hello Kitty that Dr. Mike Soloman is open on Fridays.  My pain is now down to a 2-3, very tolerable.  I'm going back tomorrow and after that i'm sure it'll be gone and i'll be right as rain again.  I'm resolving to see my NSA practitioner (Dr. Mike Funicello) regularly, to avoid this kind of pain in the first place.  UGH; i have such a bad habit of putting off important things if they're for ME.  ME needs better care from me.

I do think this video IS a perfect 10, though.

Chocolate Orgasm

So i'm like, doing the low-carb thing again, cuz like, my pants don't like, fit, and so like, i lost a pound the first day.  And so i'm, like, eating some chicken and guacamole and Greek yogurt right now with some cashews, like, thrown in the mix for a little, like, crunch.

And i'm like, NOT thinking about chocolate.  Like, not at all.  Chocolate?  What's that?  I don't even know what that is.  That brown stuff?  That looks like, like, something that came out of a sheep's butt?  And smells like it, too? 

Okay, no, it doesn't look or smell like sheep excrement.  It's yummy and divine and makes me want to (almost) believe there's a god, and the mouth-feel...ooooh that creamy, smooth texture (you won't know of what i speak if all you've ever had is cheap chocolate, sorry) and the little burst of endorphins that wash over me as i take that first bite, like my whole body, my whole being just basking in the euphoria, the floaty, happy feeling of...mmmmmmmm, chocolate. 

No, i don't miss it at all.

Oh holy hell on a kaiser roll, how am i going to do this?  

Life Unfolding

Yesterday i mentioned how much i love my friends (or if i wasn't specific: i love them dearly and hugely).  I love watching their lives unfold.  I love sharing their happiness and their sadness and keeping their secrets and laughing and crying with them.

There's been a lot of life unfolding lately.  Big changes are happening for a lot of my loved ones.  And i just want them all to know this:  you are amazing and i'm so lucky and glad to know you.  You will do great, and life will continue to blossom and bloom in unexpected and affirming ways.  Thanks for letting me be a part of it!


{ this concludes my hippie moment of the day }

My Friends

Man, i have some amazing and wonderful friends.  I really do.  Some of them live far away, some of them i haven't met in person yet, and some of them i see regularly.  I love them all.  In a couple weeks, i'm going to see several of my photographer friends and an old Air Force buddy i haven't seen in 21 years.  Todd and the kids finally get to meet 5 friends who appear in my stories almost daily.  I'm so excited!

Viva Las Vegas!

Sometimes Research Sucks It { Children Raised in Single-parent families are Screwed }

So i read an article yesterday that referred to research that showed kids who are raised in pretty much anything other than a family with a mother and a father are screwed.  The author indicated that single-parent families were less healthy/successful/happy and were more prone to crime and poverty, etc. It also said that future research would likely show that children raised in gay-parent families would have similar results as the vagabonds raised by single parents.  This article (and i've lost the link to it, or else i would quote it and thus be more accurate about what it said) really pissed me off. 

First of all, where are the VAST majority of single-parent families?  Inner cities.  Are those kids affected by a hell of a lot more than just the fact that they only have ONE parent?  OF COURSE they are.  Drugs, violence, gangs, crime...all these thing affect those kids. 

You can't use that study to speak for the majority of single-parent families from "average" society.  And you certainly can't use those studies to predict the future outcome of children raised in gay-parent families. 

I'm just an average, white, middle class chick who was a single mom for about 6 years before remarrying.  Is single-parenting more challenging than having two parents in the picture?  Of course it is.  I can speak for that.  But i can also speak for all the single moms i knew (and still know) personally. 

I'm going to list a few of the single moms (anonymously) that i know, and the outcomes of their kids:

S - 2 girls, one graduated college with honors, the other graduated from a language-submersive high school with high honors; both are involved in clubs and/or sports

W - raising a son pretty much since birth, on her own.  The son is smart as a whip, does great in school, is kind, concerned, and loving. 

L - single mom for many years to one daughter who does well in school, behaves well, is not scarred in any way; fully functional

H - single mom for several years, one son who never had issues in school or at home, no acting out; completely functional

Come on, let's face it.  We could all sit down and compile a list of perfectly normal, healthy, functional families who don't fit the mold of "one mother and one father." 

I think it's quite easy and convenient for certain groups to take research and twist it into whatever they want it to imply.  I think it's rubbish and downright manipulative to do that. 

What do i predict for children raised in gay-parent families?  I predict they will have more open minds, more compassion and understanding and less judgment, in general.  I think they'll perform alone the same lines as any other child in a family with healthy parents (or parent), and be prone to the same ups and downs, challenges, truimphs, failures as the rest of "average" society (and by that, i mean kids not growing up in the harsh reality of inner cities or other less than ideal situations).  I think they'll just be "normal."

And let's face, it, i'm usually right.  ;oP

It's a Good Thing Religion is Such a Force for Good in the World

It's a really good thing all those Catholic missionaries went to Africa and taught the people that condoms are bad, and against god.  That AIDS epidemic is sure awesome!

It's a good thing missionaries, preachers, and pastors taught (and teach) the world that homosexuality is evil, otherwise people wouldn't be beaten to death for being born that way. 

And just think, if it weren't for religion, there might be peace in the middle east, and that would just suck. 

There would be thousands of gay mormons still alive had their general "authorities" not told them they could "change" or that who were they born as is an "abomination."  None of their families would be missing them right now, and that would be just awful!

Children of pentacostals wouldn't be beaten with wooden rods; the shame!

Thank god for religion!  It brings such peace to the world!

Minnow Paws, the Movie

So, as i lay awake last night channel surfing for something boring enough to knock me out, a commercial came on that caught my attention.  The first scene was a woman holding a sign that said something along the lines of:  "My husband is no longer afraid of me."  The next scene showed a different woman holding yet another sign that read, "I can sleep at night," or yada yada.  Anyway, seeing as how i couldn't sleep (no comment on whether Todd has been afraid of me lately, bwa!), i continued to watch the commercial.  It was for Estroven.  Oh, menopause, you devil, you.

I don't get why this video has "cougar" in the title; there is nothing cougary in the video.  It speaks volumes about this particular age in my life, though.  "I'm just going to wear the fuckin' hat!"  Bwahahahaha!  You go!

 

A Quotey Quote

"People are like stained glass windows; they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is reavealed only if there is a light within." — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross


so true, so true, so true.

Demotivation

Can i just say that i do NOT miss working in an office?

I Interrupt This Editing Session { for Girls' Night Out! }

I've worked hard this week, almost non-stop editing, appointment making, planning, order taking.  Now it's time to take a little break and have a much-needed Girls' Night Out!  Then, i have another full weekend of magic-making (portraits).  Thank dog for caffeine (especially in the form of lucious milk chocolate).

Have a lovely weekend, everyone!

Cracklins and Fat Back { and Animal Ass }

"It's so nice to not have to smell animal ass when you walk in the house."  --Quote of the day by Todd Miller.  He's in a lot of houses for his job and smells a lot of odd aromas.  Animal ass is just the tip of the iceberg.  You do not want to know.  Trust.

So, we had a bunch of teens at our house over the weekend and one of them was talking about how he cracks his girlfriend's back by grabbing and pulling the skin over the lumbar spine.  You pull it up really quickly and firmly and a vertebra will crack.  I was intrigued, having spent the past couple days with terrific back pain.  I lay down on the floor and had Todd grasp my fat back* and give it a yank.  Sure enough, CRACK!  This sent me into hysterics; i could not stop laughing.  Finally, i said, "Do it again! Do it again!"  A little higher up this time, and again...CRACK!  I have to admit, i'm feeling tons better today. 

*i'm back to the same weight i was at this time last year.  Thanks to a high-carb diet, i once again qualify as a sumo wrestler.  { almost }

Who Am I? I am Not a Sagittarius. { Cue Dramatic Music }

Although i read about this several years ago, i dismissed it, since, like i always say, i don't live my life (or definitively define myself) by a zodiac sign.  Some of it fascinates me because it's so accurate, and some of it makes me roll my eyes, because it's so blatantly off and not me at all.  I find the Enneagram sooooo much more accurate in describing people, and respect that Enneagram allows for growth and transformation.  (I also love reading that i function at the highest levels on the Enneagram and not from the lower, base levels associated with immaturity, anger, fear, etc.). 

Okay, so back to the New Sign in astrology.  It turns out i am no longer a Sagittarius (cue dramatic music).  I am an Ophiuchus.  And i can't even pronounce it (mostly because the guy on the news this morning couldn't either).  Has your sign changed? 

The New Dates:
Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18 - May 13
Taurus: May 13 - June 21
Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20

Info from various sources:

(WikiPedia) "The most recent interpretation is that the figure represents the healer Asclepius, who learned the secrets of keeping death at bay after observing one serpent bringing another healing herbs. To prevent the entire human race from becoming immortal under Asclepius' care, Zeus killed him with a bolt of lightning, but later placed his image in the heavens to honor his good works."

LIST OF KEY WORDS DESCRIBING THE SIGN OF OPHIUCHUS
(click above for original source)
interpreter of dreams
vivid premonitions
attracts good luck and fruitful blessings
serpent holder
lofty ideals
a seeker of peace and harmony
doctor of medicine or science
 natural-pathic
adds, increases, joins, or gathers together
poetical, inventive nature, expanding qualities
seeks higher education and wisdom
overseer, supervisor of work
fame - either grand, or completely misunderstood
longevity, aspirations of healing the ills of man
architect, builder, reaches for the stars, figuratively and literally
tax assessor, or levys taxes
astrological talents, intuitive
large family indicated, but apt to be separated from them when young,
the number twelve holds great significance
foresight and good fortune to benefit from hard times
has secret enemies in family or close associations
many jealous of this subject
notable father, apple of father's eye when young
high position in life expected [depending on aspects] highest fame and legend comes after death
feelings of granular, wise, genius mentality
likes to wear clothing of vibrant colors, and plaids in particular
receives the favor of those in authority.

HEY!  I think some of that is a more accurate description of me than some of Sagittarius was, but i definitely fit the more outgoing parts of Sag.  Interesting!  Behehehe.

Mirror Reflections and Scapegoats

I've been reflecting a lot lately on how people are sometimes mirrors for each other.  When you believe the worst about someone, despite evidence to the contrary, that is a mirror.  You are falsely seeing in someone else a trait you may not be aware of about yourself, and don't want to see or admit about yourself.  It's painful to see the unpleasant sides of ourselves, so we humans have a habit of projecting those sides unfairly onto others. I think scapegoating is a similar situation; not exactly the same, but in the same category.  In either case, you're putting the blame where it doesn't belong.  You're putting guilt on an innocent person.

I've been wrapped up in the Ted Williams story.  I've read comments on various places across the internet, some supportive and some downright ridiculous and mean.  Where is compassion and understanding?  Are there really that many people out there who only want to blame him, point the finger at him, degrade him, and villainize him?  He's an addict for christ sake.  He admitted it from the beginning.  And i admire his courage for going forth in this circus and trying to make amends with his family (who are being RIDICULOUS...soooo many mirrors going on there!  When will they look at themselves and get help for their own issues?) and trying to get back on his feet and come back to society.  Can you imagine being homeless for years and the changes that take place in the psyche in order to survive that?  And then can you imagine being sucked back into standard society by the media in a whirlwind of attention and spotlights?  I think Ted is doing amazingly well.  I admire his decision to check himself into rehab.  I wish his family would realize that what they're really angry at is Ted's disease, and not Ted himself.  Maybe that would help them heal, and more importantly, help Ted heal.  Ted, i wish you the best!  You deserve happiness and peace, like all humans do.

Penquin Commentary

In re the penguin video of the last post, i'm sure you got what i was saying.  I wasn't saying penguins should live outside their natural habitats, of course, but that we should all look out for one another.  Treat each other as we would a displaced and adorable penguin.  Throw each other a fish when we can, yeah?  Cuz life is too fleeting to let it all go by in a blur of disdain and fear. 

Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Inhale life fully.  Live while you can, because one day you won't. 

How it Should Be

Where is Home?

Where is home?  Here is home:

And this song says it all:

I Have Nothing to Say { and it's Friday }

I really have nothing to say.

It's Friday and i don't know how it got here so fast. Last time i checked, it was just Monday.

So, what are your plans for the weekend? I plan on eating sushi and laughing.

Text to Movie - Type 1 Diabetes Edition

Allie, In All Seriousness

I have some lovely photos of Allie, but this is the only one she will allow me to post.  She is a turdbucket.  But i love her guts!